Giving

I bought a few pairs of shoes when I was pregnant and now they're too big or they don't match any of my regular clothes. I instantly want to go out and buy more, of course.  Then I think about people who don't have shoes at all; they can't afford them or they have to make them (third world countries don't have Payless or Macys down the street). 

I got to thinking, if we step back from our own wants or frustrations in life and notice those around us who are really hurting, we will see how little our problems really are. There are situations where we really need to focus our time and money; where we need to give instead of take. If we can see past our own selfishness we can then see what truly matters and who is truly in need. 

When I was leaving Walmart the other day there was an elderly man getting into a car. Someone was picking him up at the door. He had one leg and was on crutches. As I drove away in MY car, with MY legs, and the FREEDOM to go wherever I wanted next, I thought about that man. I wondered if he had been a part of why I had the freedom I have; had he been in an accident? Was he born that way? I instantly felt thankful and blessed. 

Another situation that got me thinking was when Lilly wouldn't eat all of her dinner. As I dumped a few green beans in the garbage I wondered how many children would do anything for those few bites. It absolutely broke my heart. Now, I realize I could get completely obsessed with thinking these things constantly, but when you compile how many times you dump a "few" pieces of food in the garbage over a number of years-that's a ton of food wasted! 

Yes, we need to take care of ourselves and our own. What does that mean though, "take care of?" Does it mean to get our children the latest games and technology or that name brand pair of shoes that everybody has? Do we need another pair of jeans to go with that certain jacket or a new car because the current one is "out of style?" Or is taking care of our families teaching our children to love others; to be compassionate, kind? Are we taking care of our children if we teach them the bible and about Jesus; who He was and what He stood for? By teaching our children about these things will they be equipped for the world or do they need to learn to "want" and learn selfishness and greed like the people around them most likely have mastered? Should we teach them to always think "What's in it for me?" 

According to Jesus, by giving, helping and serving others we will be rewarded. Maybe not in this life, but GREAT IS OUR REWARD IN HEAVEN. Isn't giving, helping and serving a reward in itself, though? If you've ever given to a homeless person on the street, taken things to Goodwill or Salvation Army, or bought gifts for an angel Tree child, did you not get a warm, fuzzy feeling inside? Did you not feel good about what you had done? Did you need more recognition than that?

Here is what I'm currently learning: Jesus wants me to give, help, and serve others. By doing these things and sharing His love, I feel rewarded. People are desperate, hurting and lost (as I once was). Although I am no longer lost, I am definitely still learning. Can I give to, help, and serve every hurting person in this world? No. Can we all work together to be the hands and feet of Jesus to reach as many of these people as possible? YES. 

I'm telling you, if we step back and look at all that we "have," then imagine it all being taken away, we will realize that we have nothing. If we stop comparing ourselves, house, cars, clothing, etc. to our neighbors and friends, we will release a weight from our shoulders that we probably never knew was there. If we focus on Jesus, our personal relationship with God and focus on other people rather than ourselves, it will be life changing. The worries and stresses of this world will fade away and our hearts will be filled with the "right" kind of treasures. 

I think it is so easy to get comfortable inside our little bubbles such as our families, group of friends or even our church. I know I have had a hard time busting out of my bubble or comfort zone when searching for a church here in Chattanooga. My mother-in-law put it well, sometimes we look for entertainment in a church....and that is exactly what I was doing; looking for what a church can do for me rather than what I can do for the church. Rodney and I have desperately been trying to find ways to give and help others in our new city. We knew God had sent us here for a reason and we are finally getting a taste of what His plan is. It's an amazing feeling! As we've started to give more and more of our time, money, we have analyzed all that we "have." It's incredible how helping other people has opened our eyes and shown us how much of what we have we really don't need after all. It's crazy how the world can make us think one way when our minds should be focused another way; on Jesus.

So with the most wonderful time of year among us, I want to share something our pastor said this morning. He said that the most important thing we can know about Christmas is that Jesus' life did not begin in Bethlehem. I think this is a powerful statement that one can only understand if you know the bible and bible stories about Jesus (which I'm getting there! Still learning! Lol) I think about all of the Christmas songs we sing such as Away in a Manger, We Three Kings, Silent Night; all about welcoming this little baby- a king wrapped in cloth. I think what the pastor was saying is that Jesus innocently entered the world the way we all did, but His life had been planned for centuries because God is a great story writer :) I haven't read much in the Old Testament yet, but I do know there were numerous, maybe hundreds of prophesies of Jesus' coming. It did not all begin the day Jesus was born. Pretty incredible how clever our God is to write such s story. 

So anyway, in my personal story I feel like I am in the process of reaching what God has ultimately planned for me; a different way of life than I'm used to- putting others first and not worrying so much about "what's in it for me." It's hard to do sometimes but the internal reward is a blessing. 

This DMB song sums up the world pretty well. Lyrics below.

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Gwi4KpI_MgE&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DGwi4KpI_MgE 

Funny the Way It is by DMB

Lying in the park on a beautiful day

Sunshine in the grass, and the children play

Sirens passing, fire engine red

Someones house is burning down on a day like this

The evening comes and were hanging out

On the front step and a car rolls by with the windows rolled down

And that war song is playing, why cant we be friends?

Someone is screaming and crying in the apartment upstairs

Funny the way it is, if you think about it

Somebodys going hungry and someone else is eating out

Funny the way it is, not right or wrong

Somebodys heart is broken and it becomes your favorite song

The way your mouth feels in your lovers kiss

Like a pretty bird on a breeze or like water to a fish

A bomb blast brings a building crashing to the floor

You hear the laughter while the children play war

Funny the way it is, if you think about it

One kid walks 10 miles to school, anothers dropping out

Funny the way it is, not right or wrong

On a soldiers last breath his babys being born

Standing on a bridge, watch the water passing under me

It must've been much harder when there was no bridge just water

Now the world is small, remember how it used to be

With mountains and oceans and winters and rivers and stars

Watch the sky, the jet planes, so far out of my reach

Is there someone up there looking down on me?

Boy chase a bird, so close but every time

Hell never catch her, but he cant stop trying

Funny the way it is, if you think about it

One kid walks 10 miles to school, anothers dropping out

Funny the way it is, not right or wrong

On a soldiers last breath his babys being born

Funny the way it is, not right or wrong

Somebodys broken heart becomes your favorite song

Funny the way it is, if you think about it

A kid walks 10 miles to school, anothers dropping out

Standing on a bridge, watch the water passing under me

It must've been much harder when there was no bridge just water

Now the world is small, remember how it used to be

With mountains and oceans and winters and rivers and stars

 

Attention, appreciation, recognition

After a rough nap (or no nap I should say) day with Lilly, I finally got her down for bed. She cried for about 20 minutes before falling asleep which was horrific for me because she never cries herself to sleep! Long story short, I'm exhausted. She was fussy today and seemed more needy than usual. Takes a toll on my carpal tunnel when she wants held so much!

Since I didn't get to everything on my to do list today I was finishing up one last to-do tonight. I was sitting on my bed with a few of Lilly's books and some tape. Most of them were pop-up or lift-the-flap and naturally she, at nine months, had ripped parts of the books out. At the end of one of the lift-the-flaps there are animals from the story that pop-up. She would get so excited over them that she would just rip them right off of the page! Anyway, I sat there,on my bed, exhausted, and I taped each little piece and each little animal back where it belonged. Then I got to thinking....

As a mommy, and wife too actually, I find myself going "above and beyond" the call of duty, if you will. I find I concern myself with the smallest of details and feel the need to make things as perfect as possible for Lilly and for Rod. I also thought about how Lilly is incapable of appreciating (or at least she's incapable of saying it) my fixing the books at her age. I thought about how she could probably care less that I homemake all of her food and wouldn't know the difference if I gave her a jar of baby food (which she did have jarred food early on because I wasn't familiar enough with certain foods to make it myself lol). Why did I feel the need to tape the little pieces of paper and cardboard back onto those pages? Why do I continually annoy my husband with questions at dinner about whether it's good or not; what flavors does he taste the most? Would he eat it again? I aim to please. Although I think this can be a personality trait, I think that all mommies want to please.

When I was teaching, I wanted nothing more than for my students to feel loved and successful. As a teacher you are, in the spotlight, on stage, in charge. You're the center of those 25 little minds' and hearts' attention for a short period of time, if you're lucky, each day. You're their role model; their support, encouragement, authority, friend, their everything! And what did I get in return? APPRECIATION. Attention. 

Also when I was working I enjoyed hearing what my observer thought of me as a teacher after an evaluation (if it was positive of course!). Just to hear "good job," or "nice work," or to just feel an imaginary pat on the back was truly worth something. IMPORTANT POINT: I have an amazing husband who recognizes this and does everything in his power to give me that "pat on the back" and he shows his appreciation. I am blessed for that! However, there is just something about being "out there" in the work force, making obvious changes in children's lives where you feel like you've truly made a difference. Can anyone relate to this???

Don't get me wrong; I do not for one second take advantage of my staying home with Lilly. I am still learning what it's all about. I am still learning who God wants me to be and what more I can do for His glory! I'm sure me getting a pat on the back is not part of that will. I think it's just human nature to know we have pleased someone in all of the hard work we've put toward something. It's human to want (or need) to be noticed, appreciated, SEEN!  However, we truly should focus on pleasing God and we should aim for HIS pat on the back for us (even though it doesn't always come when we want it to). 

Jesus said not to be "showy" (in much, much better words, though). 

Matthew 6:1  Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your father in heaven. 

Matthew 6:4 ...Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

To circle back to fixing Lilly's books; I didn't fix them to earn appreciation. I didn't fix them hoping someone would "notice". I fixed them because I wanted to. I wanted something that Lilly loved to be exactly how she wanted it to be. I wanted to restore the books that she enjoys so much. I wanted to do it. I think many mommies can relate to this feeling. We just "do stuff" because we aim to please. We want our children and our families to be happy and content. We will do anything in our power to make these things happen (not sure this is just a mommy thing-I think many women care about their families this way!!) 

So of course this related back to Jesus Christ. God wanted to save the world from our suffering; Even though we brought it upon ourselves. He thoroughly thought out a plan to create a human being that was part man and part God- to die for us. The craziest thing about it is that Jesus wanted to do it. He willingly suffered due to all of our imperfections. Willingly suffered.

I think that when I became a parent the whole idea of God being my Father, who loves me and wants what is best for me, really started to sink in. I get it now. Jesus wanted to die so that I could live. This truth truly helps me accept his forgiveness for all of my goof ups in life. Now I can only hope that Lilly recognizes my care for her and will always do what I want her to do. ;) 

Just kidding.

God is good all the time! 

What do you treasure?

My amazing husband recently posted this on Facebook:

"I've finally realized the more you get (material things, money, job titles etc) the more you worry about losing those things. The more you give (love, time, an ear to listen) the more you get (hope, grace, love in return). It's a basic concept that I've over complicated for a long time."

I admire this so much and he and I discuss this often. Jesus says "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy and where thieves break in and steal" Matthew 7:19. He says to store up treasure in heaven where nothing can destroy it. Where your treasure is your heart will also be. 

So what does that mean?? Well I've been thinking about it a lot and especially with the holidays around the corner. It's so easy to get caught up in the traditions of things such as:  shopping for gifts, trying to get the best deals on Black Friday, getting the latest technologies, games, movies, toys for our kiddos, baking enough cookies for our company, getting a new outfit for New Year's Eve...sound familiar? I think about how fun all of these things are and how special traditions can be in a family. I also think about Lilly. I think about how she is watching us; our reactions to situations, our decisions, what we value. I'm very excited to create new traditions with our little tripod and even more excited to give more.

Rodney and I visited a church this weekend that was entirely different from any church I have ever experienced. Their  church was held in a workout space so naturally they had to transform the room. They had a "welcome table" in the back with donuts, coffee, and snacks. They had set up chairs in rows to serve as "the church." There was a music stand up front and a few microphones and the kids all went upstairs for children's church in another workout room type area. By no means was it a "church" but it was certainly a church setting. "Where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them." Matthew 18:20

So needless to say we had an amazing experience. We were approached personally by the pastor and the children's leader when we came through the door. I handed Lilly over to the children's leader with as little worry as I could (she's with me 98% of the time) :p She actually slept-which was a blessing because their service was right in the middle of her nap time. The worship was wonderful, the pastor's message was genuine and hit home for Rod and I AND best of all, the children came downstairs for communion with everyone. We spoke with the pastor afterwards and he explained how the children and the next generation are a big focus of the church. He also said that they take the children's curriculum and build onto it for the adult service! This was music to an elementary teacher's ears!!

So what does this have to do with treasures? This church clearly has their treasure stored up in heaven. The ministries they lead and the ideas that they have are genuine and from the heart. At Christmas time (and nearly all year round) they focus on disadvantaged families, women and children. They may not have a huge venue of a church with a giant sign outside advertising their services; Or the largest crowd of people headed to lunch around noon- but they offered a genuine love of God and Christ. Their mission in the community was very clear and they were welcoming to anyone who wanted to enter those warehouse-type doors. Their treasures were assisting the community and teaching others about Christ.

During the service the pastor talked about Christmas being an invasion. He talked about how when baby Jesus was born it was the beginning of the war-a war among the people- whether they would accept Him or live in the kingdom of the world.  Christianity makes people uncomfortable because they actually have to challenge their choices, lifestyles, and where their heart truly is. The beautiful thing about it? God is on our side. Yes, He wants us to follow His will, but He adores us so ferociously that He protects us in the process. 

So I'm asking myself often what do I treasure? What do I value? I can easily get wrapped up in my tripod and focus only on myself. It's definitely something to work on and listen to God about. 

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dzgSGHpVrJQ&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DdzgSGHpVrJQ

His love is furious! 

After Conviction

So the amazing thing about confessing our sins and asking for forgiveness is GRACE (Lillian's middle name btw :) ) I could easily get hung up on the things I have done wrong or still do, but God knows my heart and He forgives me graciously. If you didn't get to listen to David Crowder's song I posted last week, you MUST look up How He Loves Us and saturate yourself in those lyrics. "If grace were an ocean we'd all be sinking!" I also love "I don't have the time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way He loves us." Gets me every time :)

So we've talked about rewards recently in BSF. Who doesn't love a reward? A pat on the back? Recognition? Well I must say that my greatest reward (other than truly accepting Christ and God's forgiveness) is my husband. I was so broken when I started going to church with Rodney's sister. I hadn't met him or even knew she had a younger brother when I was babysitting her boys. When I met Rodney it was literally love at first sight. I didn't know that was actually real until I saw him. 

I shared in another post my experience of God's guidance and speaking to me. I asked God if Rodney was the one and He answered me instantly with the warmest, most reassuring butterflies in my stomach. It was amazing and a moment I will never forget. Little did I know how wonderful this reward would be. Rodney very quickly became my best friend. Getting to know me extremely well in a short amount of time, accepting my faults, forgiving me for mistakes, appreciating my hyper-ness, and most importantly seeing through to my heart, who I REALLY was and loving me unconditionally. At one point in my life this type of love was all I was seeking. Once I had my focus in the right place, on God, He rewarded me with the most amazing man I have ever met (not to mention a precious daughter soon after!!) :) I love you Rod.

Although I realize not all prayers are answered in such a timely manor AND not all prayers are answered, God is so good. Someone once told me, "Rejection is God's protection." It's so true. Garth Brooks even sang "Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers." After all, He knows what's best for us and He will bless us according to His will. Sometimes we are not rewarded-or seems like it takes years for anything to let up.... Remember, Great is your reward in heaven!

Matthew 6:33 But seek first His kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Looking forward to more of His guidance in my life and maybe even more rewards ;) 

Discovery

In the short amount of time that I was married (March 2012), had my first baby (Jan. 2013), and moved to a new state (July 2013), I hadn't had much time to really think about everything that was happening. I knew I was happy, excited, tired, nervous, and most of all faithful. My trust in the Lord had grown immensely since I had met my husband, dated him, was married and then became pregnant. I will never forget the day I was standing next to my future husband in church, listening to him singing the worship music and gushing with love for him. 

I was struggling with the new path I was on because....well I didn't have a reason at the time; when I look back I think because I was happy, closer to God than I'd ever been, and so amazingly in love with this man that was 9 years older than me, Satan wanted to steal my joy. There were things trying to get in the way of me dating Rodney and things I was skeptical about, but my feelings for him were beyond anything I had ever experienced (I knew nothing but good could come from being with him). I will never forget that moment in church when I deliberately asked God to tell me "Is he the one for me? Is this the man I'm going to marry? Please give me a sign and I will follow Your path for me." 

The feeling in my stomach and the emotion that physically rushed over me brings tears to my eyes even now. The reassurance that God gave me was the beginning of my new life. My new Christian life that He had planned for me all along. I had gotten so far off from His purpose for me. The joy and love that I had when I was with Rodney had me in love with him within the first month we dated! I knew marrying Rodney was part of God's purpose for me. It was incredible how God answered me right there as I was asking for an answer. I could finally see the plan He had for me coming to life.

All of this to say; purpose. Leaving my identify as a single girl, teaching school, becoming a wife, becoming a mommy, and moving away from home; WHO AM I? Who does God want me to be? What is His purpose for me? 

Well, I'm a sahm and a wife. Okay, what does that mean? What is my purpose? I take care of Lilly throughout the night and into the early morning hours. feed her, change her, dress her, do laundry, pack Rod's lunch, make dinner, clean the house. Typical sahm mom stuff. However, my true purpose? It used to be to educate the 20 something young lives in my classroom. Now I am a wife and a mommy. I have the opportunity to truly take care of my family with 100% of my focus. I can really focus on molding Lilly's life toward God's chosen purpose for her. God's beautiful purposes for me are to be Rodney's wife and Lilly's mommy. I cannot imagine better purpose than to care for these two beings that I love with my whole heart. 

Here's what I've struggled with. I used to FEEL my purpose. I used to feel so important to those 20 something students, their parents, my colleagues; a purpose in staying up late to grade papers, do lesson plans. I felt so important having a "job." Having a paycheck to contribute and being stressed out made me feel like I had a purpose. I was busy and worried and my mind was constantly thinking about what I forgot to do. My identity WAS my "job." Although there is absolutely nothing wrong with a job defining a person, I'm not sure that that was my purpose. Who was I? I was Mrs. Gray. A teacher. A mentor. A helper. An employee. A colleague. All wonderful things. When this was no longer what I was doing and I was at my new home everyday with Lilly, I started to wonder who I really am. I didn't feel important anymore. 

We are studying Matthew in this new bible study group I'm doing called BSF. We are learning about how Jesus was so humble, grew up in a despised town, and was constantly rejected when he shared that he was the promised Messiah. I think about my need to feel important. I think about how Jesus was baptized by John, an everyday man from the wilderness. I think about how He suffered for me so that I could be saved. He had the power to feed himself after fasting 40 days and nights but trusted that God would take care of Him when Satan tempted him in his hunger. Why do I desire such a need to feel important? Why do I have the idea that having a "job" is the only way for me to feel like "somebody." These feelings are unique to me, I am not saying that others are this way. 

Let me clarify a few things. I realize that I have a purpose with being at home with Lilly. My husband continually reminds me and thanks me for all that I do for our family of three.  When I ask myself, "who is Katie Gray?" I realize that I may have been letting other things in my life define me. Yes, I am a mother, yes I am a wife. I'm also a sister, a daughter, a cousin; even an aunt! I am a child of God. A woman of God. I am still figuring out WHO I AM. I am grateful to fulfill my purpose to be married to Rodney and to be Lilly's mommy. I am excited for what these purposes will do and are doing as I impact Rodney and Lilly. I pray that I impacted those students in positive ways. I also expect that more opportunities to work for God will come up in my life. I will embrace them and follow His will for me. For now, I am enjoying finding myself in faith and in my life. I am blessed and thankful that God's purpose for me is to be a sahm right now. I continue to listen and wait patiently for anything else that He wants me to do in order to show His love to others. 

As my faith grows, I pray that I can become someone who I want Lilly to model after. I have a lot of work to do, but I am excited and willing to make changes! Who are you? Do you like who you are? Who you've become? Are you following God's purpose for your life? If not, what can you do to get back on track? It's definitely something to think about.

Quick thought on judging

Have you ever been on a jury? Ever had to judge a person based on evidence given to you by strangers? Ever had to decide a complete stranger's fate by conversing with other strangers? I've never actually sat on a jury but I almost did. It was for a murder trial that happened in Fairfield, Ohio. Thank goodness I got out of it. I cannot imagine if I would have been part of deciding that man's fate!

So why is it so easy to judge other people? When you're out and about, do you find yourself judging people? Critiquing them? Looking at their clothes, car they're driving; what brand is on the bag they're carrying out of the mall? Do you see a mom disciplining her child while you're at the park and think "I would have NEVER handled it that way." Do you feel frustration toward someone when they complain about a situation that they're in; wondering "why did they do that in the first place?" or thinking "they got themselves into the mess they can get themselves out of it!"?

I think we all experience thoughts like these every now and then. I think its scary how natural they seem to happen. Where do these thoughts get us? What good does it do? What are we judging by? Are we comparing to ourselves? Have you ever wondered what others say about you?

Maybe we judge other's so that we don't have to look in the mirror; So we don't have to face our own faults or mistakes. Maybe it's almost a defense mechanism. If we focus on someone else's poor choices, mistakes, sins-we can put our own out of our minds.

Jesus didn't judge other's, but He could have because He was perfect! He had compassion, humility, kindness.  The book of Matthew and the discussions I've had in my bible study have been a complete reality check for me. 

In Matthew 5, Jesus is giving his Sermon on the Mount. He talks about fulfilling the laws and discusses murder, adultery, divorce, oaths, eye for an eye, and love for enemies. I was really moved by the other referenced scriptures. 1John says "Anyone who hates a brother or sister is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life residing in heaven." Wow. When I read this I really had to search my heart for grudges or disagreements I might have. I prayed that God would free me from these.

Matthew 5:25 says "Settle matters quickly..."

Matthew 5:44-45 "But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you that you may be children of your father in heaven."

It's so easy to point fingers and not focus on the things that WE need to work on in our own lives. In Matthew 7 Jesus says "Do not judge or you too will be judged." I think it's also important to remember "for in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."

When we judge each other and are hypocritical, it only causes hatred. It takes me back to 1John. I truly believe that if people dealt more with the one in their mirror, studied the Word, and modeled after Jesus, it would alleviate much of the hatred in the world. 

Conviction

After today's lecture at BSF, it was even more confirmed how much I need The Lord. As soon as I think I know who I am becoming or what I need, I'm reminded of how imperfect I am. I have to go back to my completely ignorant comment about it being easy to be/become a Christian. Although my heart is in the right place and my personal goals are to become closer to and more knowledgeable of God, I can easily be setback and disappointed by things during my learning. This is completely a personal thing because God is good in every way; I am just extremely hard on myself. 

What I get setback and disappointed about is when I think I've taken steps forward in my growth, I then take two steps back. This week we discussed Matthew chapter 6 and what stood out to me the most was verses 24-35 about worry. If we understand and BELIEVE Jesus, we won't worry. I was instantly convicted when I heard this because I worry constantly. I felt guilty about worrying because if I continue to worry I am basically rejecting my belief in Jesus' words. One of the principles from our lecture today was "Worry is lack of faith in God's care."

I suppose I am poor in spirit because I have realized more and more my desperate need for a savior. I have continually condemned myself these last few weeks for past sins. I wish I could confess my sins all at once and move forward with accepting His forgiveness. For some reason it seems like my confession process has been going on for awhile. It's almost as if my bad choices are haunting me. I suppose I deserve to suffer from this since I was not obeying God at a particular point in my life, but I am hoping to eventually move on emotionally. Maybe I have not fully changed in my heart; but I KNOW I have. I feel it in my heart. I feel that my actions portray this new me. I know that God sees my changes. The sins of my past were more outward sins than what I currently struggle with. Maybe that is why I continue to feel convicted. I wish I could take back all of the wrong choices I've made and share with the people of my past that I was not doing the right things. 

I think a lot of my worry comes from knowing I fall short of the glory of God. I realize that we all do, but I feel like the only one sometimes. I don't just beat myself up about not getting that last load of laundry done, or procrastinating on getting to the store for some things. I beat myself up if I forget to call someone when I said I would, if I judge someone, if I don't feel like I've played with Lilly enough, and most recently I beat myself up over my sins. I should have been beating myself up a long time ago and I suppose the guilt I carry is my payback for not. Now please don't misunderstand; I DO NOT believe that God gives me guilt. I give myself the guilt. What I hope God will bless me with is the ability to move past the guilt so that I can continue to fulfill His will. Maybe I will begin working with teens and young adults who I can minister to. I most definitely want to start and keep Lilly on a Christian path where she can feel God's presence and grace at a young age. I want her to understand things that I didn't growing up in church. 

I suppose the good thing in all of this is that I am remorseful; To the point where the guilt overtakes me (not sure if this is the OCD or just the process of becoming a more faithful Christian). I am sickened by the sins I still commit (I'm not killing anyone or anything...) and I want so much for God's peace to tell me it's okay, and to just stay on the right path (which I KNOW I will do now). I'm still working on wrapping my head around how He loves and forgives us for EVERYTHING. The best way I know how to try to better understand this is to listen to worship music. The two songs below sum it up pretty well.

David Crowder 

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=2FxaUYjRtkc

Tenth ave North

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=BFUHrXfuNU4

Making the cut...

So I got to thinking about my staying at home with Lilly. This new "job," "adventure," "time out from teaching," whatever you want to call it. Is it a selfish choice? Am I selfish for staying home with Lilly? Ultimately, am I at home to take care of her or am I at home just so that I can be with her all of the time and not miss anything?! It's something to think about...

So I thought back to when Rodney and I decided that I'd stay home. It was never a set plan or decision. We had many conversations about it while I was pregnant and then of course after Lilly arrived. I went back to work when she was six weeks old, which really didn't seem so emotionally tough because my mother and mother-in-law took care of her...at my home...Monday to Friday...didn't have to get her up each day, pack up a diaper bag, bundle her up and head out. I had it made! Not bragging, just VERY thankful. Knowing I only had to teach ten weeks of school then I'd have the summer with Lilly was also motivating. I really don't remember feeling horribly bad about going back to work until.....I did feel horrible. I had my moments where I was so glad to be back. To hug those second graders, my coworkers, and just be on a set schedule again where I actually took a shower every day and put my face on! :p 

So when those bad days came where I just wanted to be with Lilly I had enormous encouragement from friends at school. So many of them had little ones as well and it was so helpful to have someone to chat with and show pictures of Lilly to. However, when it came down to it I just wanted to be with Lilly.

When Rodney and I discussed the decision of whether I would or could stay home, it always boiled down to our values. If I stayed home, could we live without Chipotle? Penn station? Frequent shopping trips for new clothes? traveling? A second car? Interesting.....when you make a decision to do or have one thing you have to give up another. So we sat on it for several weeks. At least ten weeks and then it was finally summer. 

Over the summer I analyzed my days at home with Lilly. Hard working Rod got up for work each day, I made him a smoothly for breakfast and then he was out the door. Then it was Lilly, me, and our condo. We developed quite a routine and I was really enjoying myself. Then I would notice that all of our clothes were in the hamper instead of hanging and clean. Whoops. Forgot to do laundry. Then I would notice the trash was full. Bummer, had to do something about that. Then I realized I hadn't vacuumed in about a month. You see where I'm going? 

At this point I still had a job in Monroe and we still lived in Ohio. I started to wonder, am I not cut out to be a sahm? Am I not good at it? How did I forget to wash my clothes??? Did I not smell the trash? Truth is, I thrive on routine. I needed a reason to wake up at a certain time and then a reason to get dressed and a reason to wash my clothes! What if I was supposed to work? What if staying at home was not meant for me? I was crushed at the thought! Then I thought back to my working days as a new mommy and how I struggled to keep up with the housekeeping even then! What if I'm just going to be a terrible mom AND teacher?! What if I can't do both, but not one without the other?! Holy cow! I started to get really down on myself......AND THEN, a new job opportunity came up for Rod. 

I suppose the move was my answer. I am currently staying home, but till struggling with needing routine. I decided to just make one for myself. I definitely clean more than I ever have and I really enjoy cooking now! (I was so tired when I was working to actually follow a yummy recipe for dinner...but we save so much money eating at home as well!) I'm also trying to tell myself that this "down time" that I have with Lilly will only last for so long and then it will be gone forever. I need to just sit back and be thankful for it instead of trying to fill my life with business again (I'm naturally hyper). 

Am I weak for not being a super mom? Not necessarily. I do sometimes feel like I couldn't "make the cut" doing both. I did not feel that I could give 100% of myself to my students, husband, and little one (not to mention the pumping three times a day really made me feel like I was losing time in the day!) It was unfair to all three parties and anything or any time for myself was completely forgotten! My mom was certainly a super mom. She did it ALL! Which was another struggle in my decision to stay home. When that hard of a worker is your role model all of your life, you feel pretty pathetic not following that route (and she had three children! Good grief!). 

I've decided that God has another plan for me right now. With the time (I use this word lightly) that I have outside of a traditional job, I plan to do some volunteering. I'm still searching for my "talent," if you will, to use in order to serve God better. I am praying that there is at least one inside of me somewhere!! I love to sing, work with children, and help people, but no opportunities have opened up for me yet. Again, trying to go a day at a time is extremely hard for this hyper momma, but I'm enjoying every moment with my seet Lilly. As always, God bless ALL of the super moms out there! You are my hero! :) 

10/24/13

My husband and I were talking the other night and I said to him," Ya know, it really is very easy to be a Christian. Recognize your sins, confess, ask for forgiveness, and live for God. Why don't more people do this?!"

Wow. How ignorant of me. I must have forgotten in that moment where I have been. I must have forgotten how lost I had become at one time; how untrusting I was; how angry and abandoned I felt. I still suffer from guilt for mistakes I've made and for choices I wish I could go back and change. I also struggle to live up to His standards-well none of us can-and keep faith that He loves me even when I make mistakes.

The most impressionable church I went to when I was younger completely skewed the way I saw God. I was continually confused about what it meant to be a Christian and what God's role in my life was. I went to church, I prayed, I cried a lot. I was a good kid, nice to others. Why didn't it feel right? Why did I feel like the least of them when I walked through the church doors? Why didn't I feel accepted by the kids who had formed their clicks in children's church? Why wasn't life getting any better?

Isn't that the big question? God, I'm doing what I'm supposed to; why aren't things getting better? I guess I now understand my role as a Christian to bring God glory. I am His disciple and I am to spread His word. Since I still don't know the Word very well, I guess I'll have to use my actions more than my words to display love, compassion, and encouragement to other people (Until I become more knowledgeable of the Bible, of course).

Another issue I had in church was "How do I become like them?" I constantly observed and admired the "happy" people in church. They had nice clothes, nice cars, lots of jewelry. They seemed to have a peachy life and they also seemed to love God SOOOOO much. More than anyone else in fact (or at least it seemed like they were trying to display that). So how do I get to the other side? How do I get to the non-sinner's side? How do I become "perfect?" How can I become one of them?

It's taken me a long time to figure this all out. Quite frankly I'm still trying to figure it all out. The Bible study that I'm doing of Matthew is continuing to change my life. We are reading Matthew chapter 6 this week. Some of the questions that I am required to answer are as follows:

(Matthew 6:1 to 18)

What do you learn from these verses about the Christian's responsibility to other people?

What do you learn from these verses about the Christian's relationship to God?

In what ways do Christian's sometimes use religious activity to gain the approval of others?

If you read Matthew 6:1 to 18 this will make a lot more sense to you. While talking with my husband about these questions, it really took me back to the church I grew up in. I started to think, "Maybe those people really were genuine. Maybe I was the one being so judgmental." I wonder sometimes if I went back to that church and sat through a few services if I would see things differently than I used to. I remember being so confused and just wanting someone to explain to me how to be a Christian. 

I don't think this is a situation that only happens to children. In my adult life I have also felt confused and wondered what it really means to be a Christian and to serve God. Sometimes I wish I would have begun figuring all of this out before I became a wife and a mommy. I feel like I would've had so much more time and energy to focus on it-no distractions. However, I think God is using my being a wife and a mommy to teach me things about Him and about who I am supposed to be. I'm very thankful for that. 

Now to go back to my ignorant statement-Nothing is easy in life. I do believe that we go through mountains and valleys. I also believe that these mountains and valleys are working toward a greater good. I firmly believe that we must praise Him regardless of our circumstances (Although this could be one of the hardest things in life!). I also believe that He will not give us something to deal with in our life that we truly cannot handle. One of the principles in my Bible study this week was "God will enable us to do what He commands." If He wants something to work towards His good, why would He leave us without the tools to fulfill it? 

So, is it easy to be or become a Christian? Not necessarily. Think about the persecution around the world for people who claim to be Christians; especially in other countries. Is it the right choice or the best choice for your life? I believe it is. So forgive me for my ignorant statement and know that I am always working on my own faith and wanting to help others come to it.

Finding myself or fixing myself?

My husband recently, kindly and very accurately told me I am a perfectionist. It absolutely cracks me up that I am. Most perfectionists are prepared, organized, on time, they remember everything- I do not do half of these things. Yet I am so hard on myself in every situation. Literally, the way I sweep the floor I beat myself up about! It's hilarious really. 

I try to tell myself "Katie, you're not perfect. No one is perfect." Besides if we were what would be the point of even being on earth? What would our purpose be here if we were living perfectly? 

The best part about my imperfect perfectionism is that I'm a procrastinator too. Honestly, what kind of perfectionist puts things off??? I think as a mommy I naturally beat myself up about things. I did it when I was teaching as well, but if I do or don't do something "right" for Lilly I just can't take it! Now, some of this stems from the OCD that runs in my family- but I still think that all mommies want to be the best they can be.

I think we all have moments where we aren't proud of our reaction to things. For example, if your kiddo pulls something off of a self in the store and everything falls to the floor... And you're in a hurry. Great. Or for me, when I'm rocking Lilly to sleep, I've been doing so for about 10 or 15 minutes, she's asleep in my arms, I lay her in her your crib and she pops up; pulling herself to stand and looks me right in the eyes. I can get so frustrated with her and then she feels that frustration and really won't settle to go to sleep. Lol! So today, when I was rocking her for her nap I looked down at her and appreciated everything about her. I appreciated the fact that she needs me to rock her to sleep. I appreciated the fact that she is still small enough for me to rock her to sleep. I also appreciated that when I laid her in her crib she actually went to sleep. :) (there is quite a story of sleep frustration with this little one that I won't go into, but if anyone has experienced sleep trouble with your youngin' then you understand!)

Another thing I struggle with is feeling guilty about things. For example, if I put Lilly in her bouncy seat while I clean or in her play pin while I make lunch- I feel so bad sometimes! If we don't get to go for a walk for a couple of days or if I have her in the car for a long time I just feel awful!

When I get a chance to have those sweet one-on-one moments with Lilly- it means the world. I don't feel bad anymore or worry about something that may not have gone right. It's moments like that-looking at her innocence in my arms-that I realize how fortunate I am to even have Lilly in my life. I realize how fortunate Lilly is to have parents like Rodney and me who love her so much. It's all a reminder that I don't have to be perfect. I can and should make mistakes. I need something to learn from. I need grace in order to become a good parent; a good person; a more empathetic and compassionate Christian. I'm going to work on embracing my mishaps. Instead of getting overly frustrated when I'm late, forget something or something I do doesn't meet up to my standards I will remind myself that IT IS OKAY. I will survive! I will use each situation to learn from and to hopefully help others. This will be incredibly difficult for me, but again, trial and error is necessary for triumph!

Matthew 5:1-10  The Beatitudes

He said:

Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted.

Blessed are the meek for they will inherit the earth.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they will be filled.

Blessed are the merciful for they will be shown mercy.

Blessed are the pure in heart for they will see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers for they will be called children of God.

Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

We read about these in Bible study this week. When I'm hard on myself I need to remember these. God really is on our side even if we feel like our problem is too big or even unimportant. I want to display these beatitudes in my home. I want to think about them every day. I want to teach them to Lilly. I will continue to work on myself as a person. I will continue to read my Bible. I will continue to try to be the best role model for Lilly. 

So the next time something does not go my way or I feel guilty about something I didn't do well, I will take a deep breath,step back and remember that God loves me no matter what!!

What to talk about?

One thing I've realized I'm insecure about with being a sahm, is talking with other moms who work outside of the home. I find myself feeling inferior or that I have nothing to talk to them about. I wonder sometimes if they view me as that barefoot pregnant person that just washes clothes all day (no I'm not pregnant again- just giving a visual). No one has made me feel bad about being a sahm; maybe I take on this idea myself and worry about it on my own. It's definitely a weird feeling though and situations can be awkward. 

When I was working I had my own idea of sahms. I wasn't always sure what to think of them. When I would see a super fit mom I'd think "gee must be nice to have time to really work out and focus on your body." If a student would miss class to go somewhere special with their parents during a school day I'd think "Must be nice to go to the zoo on a less crowded day than a weekend day." Although I would have never admitted it then, I think I envied these people and situations. I didn't have any kids and I wasn't even married yet, but I look back and see the envy that I had. 

When I was still teaching I really did enjoy being able to spend money on things that I wanted to spend money on. Rodney and I do a good job of budgeting I think, but the days of going out and buying something right when we wanted it have been altered. Now, there is definitely a sense of pride that I get when we do save money or pass up on something that we want. It makes me feel proud to know that I don't have to have something right when I want it. I hope that Lilly will learn this lesson as she sees her dad and me make decisions about how we spend our money. It is certainly something to get used to though. Priorities have changed.

With that said, working mommies should be THE MOST respected people in my opinion. They do everything that I do and they work full or part-time. They are away from their children so that they can earn a living, make something of themselves in the work force and contribute to their family in more ways than I am. They most likely also cook, clean the home, etc. You will not see me compare working moms and sahms. We all do good, important and valuable things for our families. 

So what do sahms and working moms talk about? Well for one, they can talk about their kids. Second, they can talk about their spouses and third, nearly any other topic will do. Maybe the government shut down perhaps. Ugh. 

This is clearly something that I struggle with and will need to overcome on my own. Whether people envy me or I envy them, I need to focus on my "job" right now. Lilly will always be watching me-so whatever attitude I portray, she will learn. Lilly may grow up and not want or not be able to have children. She might be very career driven or maybe a family just doesn't appeal to her. For now, my goal is to treat others the way I want her to treat others. It is important to me that she sees me be a working mommy no matter where I am or what I'm doing. Modeling a work ethic is the most important thing to me.

Next time I'm talking with a mom who works outside of the home I will refrain from screaming that I have a Masters degree in education. I will enjoy talking about the weather, my sweet Lilly, my wonderful husband, or maybe my favorite type of ice cream. I pray that God will help me remember who I am and not worry so much about who I want to be or what I'd like to have. Besides Jesus was humble and He was a nobody to many. I will work on modeling after Him so that Lilly will model after me. After all, God's purpose for me is to be with Lilly (for now anyway). 

Matthew 5:25 Therefore I tell you do not worry about your life, What you will eat or drink or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothes? 

The blog

Well, as I've begun my new job as a stay at home mom (sahm) I have learned many new things. Each day, in fact, I learn several new things seems like. I wanted to start a blog about it and to my surprise I already had; when I was 39 weeks pregnant with miss Lillian Grace. (btw, Lilly ended up being 4 days overdo. Completely healthy- 7 lbs 13 oz, 19 1/2 in long; I labored for 7 hours, had her naturally, and fell in love with her the moment she was put on my chest. God is so good and answered so many prayers. She overcame the 2 vessel cord as she measures and weighs more than I did at her age.)

So life as a mommy and wife....I love it. It's stressful. It's fulfilling. It's tiring. It's, it's, it's wonderful really. I never pictured myself staying at home, but low and behold here I am. Rodney and I are thankful to even have the opportunity to pursue it and I think Lilly likes it quite a bit as well.

Lilly was born in Cincinnati which is where I started this blog. I had gone back to work after 6 weeks (which was crazy soon!) because I wanted to finish out the school and well, get my all of pay checks through the end of the summer. Rod and I had been praying about a change in jobs for him and God led us to Chattanooga, Tennessee. We had also talked about my possibly wanting to stay home. So...we got married in March of 2012, had a baby January 2013, and moved to a new state, no family and a 6 month old in July 2013. People have said to me, "Wow, no family and your first baby-that's hard." It is a bummer at times, to not have anyone around that you really "know," but we are actually enjoying our little family of three. We miss our families often, but luckily they enjoy coming down to visit.

So that's the background info. Here is what I would really like to focus on with this blog:

1. Being a sahm and self-esteem.
2. Being a sahm and identity.
3. Being a sahm and spending.
4. Being a sahm and a woman of God.

5. Being a sahm and being a mom.

I recently started something called BSF (Bible Study Fellowship). My mother-in-law and sister-in-law recommended I look into it since I just moved to a new city. "It's a great way to meet new people," they said. Well, little did I know how wonderful it actually would be. Therefore, many of my posts may relate to Matthew which is the book we're studying. Hopefully my posts will be led by the Holy Spirit. I really want to speak to a community of mothers (not just sahms) because I feel like we have the toughest job (especially working moms, which I plan to touch on quite a bit). I'm excited to share my thoughts with other mommies and I'm hoping to hear what other people feel as well. These five topics are things that I am currently experiencing and areas of life that I would like to work on as a person.

With that said, let the posting begin. I pray that God will use me to bless others and I look forward to growing from this experience as well.

Good night,
Katie Gray

It was about 19 weeks ago that my husband and I went for our 20 week check up to find out the sex of our baby. We were so excited we couldn't stand it! I was so sure it would be a boy and my husband kept mentioning "her" and "she" when  referring to Baby Gray.

While the tech did the ultrasound and we held hands in amazement watching and listening as we saw a little body, hands, feet, fingers and toes, a little heart strongly beating, and then we were told everything looked great and all organs were present. As we continued to watch as she pointed out different things she suddenly said "And there's your baby girl." My husband came over and kiss me on the head and in shock, I teared up and needed to hear it again. I just knew it was going to be a boy. We had 2 nephews and 1 niece. All of the first born on both sides were boys. I had convinced myself that it was going to be a little boy and was even more drawn to little boys' clothing and toys at Target or Carter's more than little girls' things. I was certainly not disappointed. It was the most pleasant surprise I could have imagined. To this day, I think I subconsciously prepared myself that it might be a boy so that I wouldn't be disappointed if it was. Not that I truly would have felt disappointment inside, but I'm thinking that deep down, I really must have wanted a little girl. 

All of this said, my husband and I were then moved into a small office room to wait for the doctor. We were in awe. We were speechless, then we couldn't stop talking. We had picked out several little boy names correlating with family names and history and couldn't believe that now we were going to be thinking of little girl names. Who knew!? We kept staring at her picture and imagining so many things. We were so, so happy. Even if it had been a boy, the happiness would have been the same. The connection that you automatically feel once you know the sex of your baby is incredible. I felt so much closer to her once I knew. I just wanted to take her out and hug her! 

Once the doctor came in all went downhill. We were informed that everything looked great BUT there was one little concern. A two-vessel umbilical cord. "One of the most common umbilical abnormalities," he said. He proceeded to talk about different issues that may occur such as organ development, chromosomal disorders, preterm birth, and the list went on. As we stared at him in complete horror he shrugged his shoulders and said he could tell we were worried. (Who wouldn't be?!?!) His way of assuring us? "There's lots of information out there on the internet." He acted as if it was NO BIG DEAL. It was a HUGE DEAL to two brand new parents.

We looked like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh walking out of the doctor's office that day. There was a cloud over us the rest of the afternoon. All we could think about was how in the world we would protect and support this precious little girl with a two-vessel cord. We drove away looking up information on our cell phones immediately. I cried the entire way home as we read about all of the extreme issues that can occur in these pregnancies. Teaching special needs preschool at the time, all I could think about was IEPs, disorders, Children's hospital, therapists and on and on. 

As we have continued through this journey and switched doctors, God has truly worked in our lives. He has given us hope and our trust in Him has grown. Baby Gray is doing just fine as I am now 39 weeks pregnant and exhausted! I wanted to start this blog as a form of support to others who have also gotten not so good news at a 20 week ultrasound or any other time during their pregnancy. As I have gotten closer to giving birth and closer to God in the process, I have become more and more thankful. I would like to support all of those mommies and daddies who have challenging or scary situations with a pregnancy. Whether it be your first or your fourth, God is so good and always has a plan. Long before we can create a plan of our own, He already has us in the beginning stages of a new one. I'd like to offer positive support and encouragement for ANY mommy, whether you have had a healthy pregnancy or a troublesome one. We need to stick together and support each other! I have had days in the beginning where I feared the baby would come too soon and I have also had days where I thought if this baby didn't come, I didn't think I was going to make it one more day! 

God is so good and his plan is best. :)
Katie Gray