Conviction

After today's lecture at BSF, it was even more confirmed how much I need The Lord. As soon as I think I know who I am becoming or what I need, I'm reminded of how imperfect I am. I have to go back to my completely ignorant comment about it being easy to be/become a Christian. Although my heart is in the right place and my personal goals are to become closer to and more knowledgeable of God, I can easily be setback and disappointed by things during my learning. This is completely a personal thing because God is good in every way; I am just extremely hard on myself. 

What I get setback and disappointed about is when I think I've taken steps forward in my growth, I then take two steps back. This week we discussed Matthew chapter 6 and what stood out to me the most was verses 24-35 about worry. If we understand and BELIEVE Jesus, we won't worry. I was instantly convicted when I heard this because I worry constantly. I felt guilty about worrying because if I continue to worry I am basically rejecting my belief in Jesus' words. One of the principles from our lecture today was "Worry is lack of faith in God's care."

I suppose I am poor in spirit because I have realized more and more my desperate need for a savior. I have continually condemned myself these last few weeks for past sins. I wish I could confess my sins all at once and move forward with accepting His forgiveness. For some reason it seems like my confession process has been going on for awhile. It's almost as if my bad choices are haunting me. I suppose I deserve to suffer from this since I was not obeying God at a particular point in my life, but I am hoping to eventually move on emotionally. Maybe I have not fully changed in my heart; but I KNOW I have. I feel it in my heart. I feel that my actions portray this new me. I know that God sees my changes. The sins of my past were more outward sins than what I currently struggle with. Maybe that is why I continue to feel convicted. I wish I could take back all of the wrong choices I've made and share with the people of my past that I was not doing the right things. 

I think a lot of my worry comes from knowing I fall short of the glory of God. I realize that we all do, but I feel like the only one sometimes. I don't just beat myself up about not getting that last load of laundry done, or procrastinating on getting to the store for some things. I beat myself up if I forget to call someone when I said I would, if I judge someone, if I don't feel like I've played with Lilly enough, and most recently I beat myself up over my sins. I should have been beating myself up a long time ago and I suppose the guilt I carry is my payback for not. Now please don't misunderstand; I DO NOT believe that God gives me guilt. I give myself the guilt. What I hope God will bless me with is the ability to move past the guilt so that I can continue to fulfill His will. Maybe I will begin working with teens and young adults who I can minister to. I most definitely want to start and keep Lilly on a Christian path where she can feel God's presence and grace at a young age. I want her to understand things that I didn't growing up in church. 

I suppose the good thing in all of this is that I am remorseful; To the point where the guilt overtakes me (not sure if this is the OCD or just the process of becoming a more faithful Christian). I am sickened by the sins I still commit (I'm not killing anyone or anything...) and I want so much for God's peace to tell me it's okay, and to just stay on the right path (which I KNOW I will do now). I'm still working on wrapping my head around how He loves and forgives us for EVERYTHING. The best way I know how to try to better understand this is to listen to worship music. The two songs below sum it up pretty well.

David Crowder 

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=2FxaUYjRtkc

Tenth ave North

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=BFUHrXfuNU4