Conviction

After today's lecture at BSF, it was even more confirmed how much I need The Lord. As soon as I think I know who I am becoming or what I need, I'm reminded of how imperfect I am. I have to go back to my completely ignorant comment about it being easy to be/become a Christian. Although my heart is in the right place and my personal goals are to become closer to and more knowledgeable of God, I can easily be setback and disappointed by things during my learning. This is completely a personal thing because God is good in every way; I am just extremely hard on myself. 

What I get setback and disappointed about is when I think I've taken steps forward in my growth, I then take two steps back. This week we discussed Matthew chapter 6 and what stood out to me the most was verses 24-35 about worry. If we understand and BELIEVE Jesus, we won't worry. I was instantly convicted when I heard this because I worry constantly. I felt guilty about worrying because if I continue to worry I am basically rejecting my belief in Jesus' words. One of the principles from our lecture today was "Worry is lack of faith in God's care."

I suppose I am poor in spirit because I have realized more and more my desperate need for a savior. I have continually condemned myself these last few weeks for past sins. I wish I could confess my sins all at once and move forward with accepting His forgiveness. For some reason it seems like my confession process has been going on for awhile. It's almost as if my bad choices are haunting me. I suppose I deserve to suffer from this since I was not obeying God at a particular point in my life, but I am hoping to eventually move on emotionally. Maybe I have not fully changed in my heart; but I KNOW I have. I feel it in my heart. I feel that my actions portray this new me. I know that God sees my changes. The sins of my past were more outward sins than what I currently struggle with. Maybe that is why I continue to feel convicted. I wish I could take back all of the wrong choices I've made and share with the people of my past that I was not doing the right things. 

I think a lot of my worry comes from knowing I fall short of the glory of God. I realize that we all do, but I feel like the only one sometimes. I don't just beat myself up about not getting that last load of laundry done, or procrastinating on getting to the store for some things. I beat myself up if I forget to call someone when I said I would, if I judge someone, if I don't feel like I've played with Lilly enough, and most recently I beat myself up over my sins. I should have been beating myself up a long time ago and I suppose the guilt I carry is my payback for not. Now please don't misunderstand; I DO NOT believe that God gives me guilt. I give myself the guilt. What I hope God will bless me with is the ability to move past the guilt so that I can continue to fulfill His will. Maybe I will begin working with teens and young adults who I can minister to. I most definitely want to start and keep Lilly on a Christian path where she can feel God's presence and grace at a young age. I want her to understand things that I didn't growing up in church. 

I suppose the good thing in all of this is that I am remorseful; To the point where the guilt overtakes me (not sure if this is the OCD or just the process of becoming a more faithful Christian). I am sickened by the sins I still commit (I'm not killing anyone or anything...) and I want so much for God's peace to tell me it's okay, and to just stay on the right path (which I KNOW I will do now). I'm still working on wrapping my head around how He loves and forgives us for EVERYTHING. The best way I know how to try to better understand this is to listen to worship music. The two songs below sum it up pretty well.

David Crowder 

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=2FxaUYjRtkc

Tenth ave North

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=BFUHrXfuNU4

Making the cut...

So I got to thinking about my staying at home with Lilly. This new "job," "adventure," "time out from teaching," whatever you want to call it. Is it a selfish choice? Am I selfish for staying home with Lilly? Ultimately, am I at home to take care of her or am I at home just so that I can be with her all of the time and not miss anything?! It's something to think about...

So I thought back to when Rodney and I decided that I'd stay home. It was never a set plan or decision. We had many conversations about it while I was pregnant and then of course after Lilly arrived. I went back to work when she was six weeks old, which really didn't seem so emotionally tough because my mother and mother-in-law took care of her...at my home...Monday to Friday...didn't have to get her up each day, pack up a diaper bag, bundle her up and head out. I had it made! Not bragging, just VERY thankful. Knowing I only had to teach ten weeks of school then I'd have the summer with Lilly was also motivating. I really don't remember feeling horribly bad about going back to work until.....I did feel horrible. I had my moments where I was so glad to be back. To hug those second graders, my coworkers, and just be on a set schedule again where I actually took a shower every day and put my face on! :p 

So when those bad days came where I just wanted to be with Lilly I had enormous encouragement from friends at school. So many of them had little ones as well and it was so helpful to have someone to chat with and show pictures of Lilly to. However, when it came down to it I just wanted to be with Lilly.

When Rodney and I discussed the decision of whether I would or could stay home, it always boiled down to our values. If I stayed home, could we live without Chipotle? Penn station? Frequent shopping trips for new clothes? traveling? A second car? Interesting.....when you make a decision to do or have one thing you have to give up another. So we sat on it for several weeks. At least ten weeks and then it was finally summer. 

Over the summer I analyzed my days at home with Lilly. Hard working Rod got up for work each day, I made him a smoothly for breakfast and then he was out the door. Then it was Lilly, me, and our condo. We developed quite a routine and I was really enjoying myself. Then I would notice that all of our clothes were in the hamper instead of hanging and clean. Whoops. Forgot to do laundry. Then I would notice the trash was full. Bummer, had to do something about that. Then I realized I hadn't vacuumed in about a month. You see where I'm going? 

At this point I still had a job in Monroe and we still lived in Ohio. I started to wonder, am I not cut out to be a sahm? Am I not good at it? How did I forget to wash my clothes??? Did I not smell the trash? Truth is, I thrive on routine. I needed a reason to wake up at a certain time and then a reason to get dressed and a reason to wash my clothes! What if I was supposed to work? What if staying at home was not meant for me? I was crushed at the thought! Then I thought back to my working days as a new mommy and how I struggled to keep up with the housekeeping even then! What if I'm just going to be a terrible mom AND teacher?! What if I can't do both, but not one without the other?! Holy cow! I started to get really down on myself......AND THEN, a new job opportunity came up for Rod. 

I suppose the move was my answer. I am currently staying home, but till struggling with needing routine. I decided to just make one for myself. I definitely clean more than I ever have and I really enjoy cooking now! (I was so tired when I was working to actually follow a yummy recipe for dinner...but we save so much money eating at home as well!) I'm also trying to tell myself that this "down time" that I have with Lilly will only last for so long and then it will be gone forever. I need to just sit back and be thankful for it instead of trying to fill my life with business again (I'm naturally hyper). 

Am I weak for not being a super mom? Not necessarily. I do sometimes feel like I couldn't "make the cut" doing both. I did not feel that I could give 100% of myself to my students, husband, and little one (not to mention the pumping three times a day really made me feel like I was losing time in the day!) It was unfair to all three parties and anything or any time for myself was completely forgotten! My mom was certainly a super mom. She did it ALL! Which was another struggle in my decision to stay home. When that hard of a worker is your role model all of your life, you feel pretty pathetic not following that route (and she had three children! Good grief!). 

I've decided that God has another plan for me right now. With the time (I use this word lightly) that I have outside of a traditional job, I plan to do some volunteering. I'm still searching for my "talent," if you will, to use in order to serve God better. I am praying that there is at least one inside of me somewhere!! I love to sing, work with children, and help people, but no opportunities have opened up for me yet. Again, trying to go a day at a time is extremely hard for this hyper momma, but I'm enjoying every moment with my seet Lilly. As always, God bless ALL of the super moms out there! You are my hero! :) 

10/24/13

My husband and I were talking the other night and I said to him," Ya know, it really is very easy to be a Christian. Recognize your sins, confess, ask for forgiveness, and live for God. Why don't more people do this?!"

Wow. How ignorant of me. I must have forgotten in that moment where I have been. I must have forgotten how lost I had become at one time; how untrusting I was; how angry and abandoned I felt. I still suffer from guilt for mistakes I've made and for choices I wish I could go back and change. I also struggle to live up to His standards-well none of us can-and keep faith that He loves me even when I make mistakes.

The most impressionable church I went to when I was younger completely skewed the way I saw God. I was continually confused about what it meant to be a Christian and what God's role in my life was. I went to church, I prayed, I cried a lot. I was a good kid, nice to others. Why didn't it feel right? Why did I feel like the least of them when I walked through the church doors? Why didn't I feel accepted by the kids who had formed their clicks in children's church? Why wasn't life getting any better?

Isn't that the big question? God, I'm doing what I'm supposed to; why aren't things getting better? I guess I now understand my role as a Christian to bring God glory. I am His disciple and I am to spread His word. Since I still don't know the Word very well, I guess I'll have to use my actions more than my words to display love, compassion, and encouragement to other people (Until I become more knowledgeable of the Bible, of course).

Another issue I had in church was "How do I become like them?" I constantly observed and admired the "happy" people in church. They had nice clothes, nice cars, lots of jewelry. They seemed to have a peachy life and they also seemed to love God SOOOOO much. More than anyone else in fact (or at least it seemed like they were trying to display that). So how do I get to the other side? How do I get to the non-sinner's side? How do I become "perfect?" How can I become one of them?

It's taken me a long time to figure this all out. Quite frankly I'm still trying to figure it all out. The Bible study that I'm doing of Matthew is continuing to change my life. We are reading Matthew chapter 6 this week. Some of the questions that I am required to answer are as follows:

(Matthew 6:1 to 18)

What do you learn from these verses about the Christian's responsibility to other people?

What do you learn from these verses about the Christian's relationship to God?

In what ways do Christian's sometimes use religious activity to gain the approval of others?

If you read Matthew 6:1 to 18 this will make a lot more sense to you. While talking with my husband about these questions, it really took me back to the church I grew up in. I started to think, "Maybe those people really were genuine. Maybe I was the one being so judgmental." I wonder sometimes if I went back to that church and sat through a few services if I would see things differently than I used to. I remember being so confused and just wanting someone to explain to me how to be a Christian. 

I don't think this is a situation that only happens to children. In my adult life I have also felt confused and wondered what it really means to be a Christian and to serve God. Sometimes I wish I would have begun figuring all of this out before I became a wife and a mommy. I feel like I would've had so much more time and energy to focus on it-no distractions. However, I think God is using my being a wife and a mommy to teach me things about Him and about who I am supposed to be. I'm very thankful for that. 

Now to go back to my ignorant statement-Nothing is easy in life. I do believe that we go through mountains and valleys. I also believe that these mountains and valleys are working toward a greater good. I firmly believe that we must praise Him regardless of our circumstances (Although this could be one of the hardest things in life!). I also believe that He will not give us something to deal with in our life that we truly cannot handle. One of the principles in my Bible study this week was "God will enable us to do what He commands." If He wants something to work towards His good, why would He leave us without the tools to fulfill it? 

So, is it easy to be or become a Christian? Not necessarily. Think about the persecution around the world for people who claim to be Christians; especially in other countries. Is it the right choice or the best choice for your life? I believe it is. So forgive me for my ignorant statement and know that I am always working on my own faith and wanting to help others come to it.

Finding myself or fixing myself?

My husband recently, kindly and very accurately told me I am a perfectionist. It absolutely cracks me up that I am. Most perfectionists are prepared, organized, on time, they remember everything- I do not do half of these things. Yet I am so hard on myself in every situation. Literally, the way I sweep the floor I beat myself up about! It's hilarious really. 

I try to tell myself "Katie, you're not perfect. No one is perfect." Besides if we were what would be the point of even being on earth? What would our purpose be here if we were living perfectly? 

The best part about my imperfect perfectionism is that I'm a procrastinator too. Honestly, what kind of perfectionist puts things off??? I think as a mommy I naturally beat myself up about things. I did it when I was teaching as well, but if I do or don't do something "right" for Lilly I just can't take it! Now, some of this stems from the OCD that runs in my family- but I still think that all mommies want to be the best they can be.

I think we all have moments where we aren't proud of our reaction to things. For example, if your kiddo pulls something off of a self in the store and everything falls to the floor... And you're in a hurry. Great. Or for me, when I'm rocking Lilly to sleep, I've been doing so for about 10 or 15 minutes, she's asleep in my arms, I lay her in her your crib and she pops up; pulling herself to stand and looks me right in the eyes. I can get so frustrated with her and then she feels that frustration and really won't settle to go to sleep. Lol! So today, when I was rocking her for her nap I looked down at her and appreciated everything about her. I appreciated the fact that she needs me to rock her to sleep. I appreciated the fact that she is still small enough for me to rock her to sleep. I also appreciated that when I laid her in her crib she actually went to sleep. :) (there is quite a story of sleep frustration with this little one that I won't go into, but if anyone has experienced sleep trouble with your youngin' then you understand!)

Another thing I struggle with is feeling guilty about things. For example, if I put Lilly in her bouncy seat while I clean or in her play pin while I make lunch- I feel so bad sometimes! If we don't get to go for a walk for a couple of days or if I have her in the car for a long time I just feel awful!

When I get a chance to have those sweet one-on-one moments with Lilly- it means the world. I don't feel bad anymore or worry about something that may not have gone right. It's moments like that-looking at her innocence in my arms-that I realize how fortunate I am to even have Lilly in my life. I realize how fortunate Lilly is to have parents like Rodney and me who love her so much. It's all a reminder that I don't have to be perfect. I can and should make mistakes. I need something to learn from. I need grace in order to become a good parent; a good person; a more empathetic and compassionate Christian. I'm going to work on embracing my mishaps. Instead of getting overly frustrated when I'm late, forget something or something I do doesn't meet up to my standards I will remind myself that IT IS OKAY. I will survive! I will use each situation to learn from and to hopefully help others. This will be incredibly difficult for me, but again, trial and error is necessary for triumph!

Matthew 5:1-10  The Beatitudes

He said:

Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted.

Blessed are the meek for they will inherit the earth.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they will be filled.

Blessed are the merciful for they will be shown mercy.

Blessed are the pure in heart for they will see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers for they will be called children of God.

Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

We read about these in Bible study this week. When I'm hard on myself I need to remember these. God really is on our side even if we feel like our problem is too big or even unimportant. I want to display these beatitudes in my home. I want to think about them every day. I want to teach them to Lilly. I will continue to work on myself as a person. I will continue to read my Bible. I will continue to try to be the best role model for Lilly. 

So the next time something does not go my way or I feel guilty about something I didn't do well, I will take a deep breath,step back and remember that God loves me no matter what!!

What to talk about?

One thing I've realized I'm insecure about with being a sahm, is talking with other moms who work outside of the home. I find myself feeling inferior or that I have nothing to talk to them about. I wonder sometimes if they view me as that barefoot pregnant person that just washes clothes all day (no I'm not pregnant again- just giving a visual). No one has made me feel bad about being a sahm; maybe I take on this idea myself and worry about it on my own. It's definitely a weird feeling though and situations can be awkward. 

When I was working I had my own idea of sahms. I wasn't always sure what to think of them. When I would see a super fit mom I'd think "gee must be nice to have time to really work out and focus on your body." If a student would miss class to go somewhere special with their parents during a school day I'd think "Must be nice to go to the zoo on a less crowded day than a weekend day." Although I would have never admitted it then, I think I envied these people and situations. I didn't have any kids and I wasn't even married yet, but I look back and see the envy that I had. 

When I was still teaching I really did enjoy being able to spend money on things that I wanted to spend money on. Rodney and I do a good job of budgeting I think, but the days of going out and buying something right when we wanted it have been altered. Now, there is definitely a sense of pride that I get when we do save money or pass up on something that we want. It makes me feel proud to know that I don't have to have something right when I want it. I hope that Lilly will learn this lesson as she sees her dad and me make decisions about how we spend our money. It is certainly something to get used to though. Priorities have changed.

With that said, working mommies should be THE MOST respected people in my opinion. They do everything that I do and they work full or part-time. They are away from their children so that they can earn a living, make something of themselves in the work force and contribute to their family in more ways than I am. They most likely also cook, clean the home, etc. You will not see me compare working moms and sahms. We all do good, important and valuable things for our families. 

So what do sahms and working moms talk about? Well for one, they can talk about their kids. Second, they can talk about their spouses and third, nearly any other topic will do. Maybe the government shut down perhaps. Ugh. 

This is clearly something that I struggle with and will need to overcome on my own. Whether people envy me or I envy them, I need to focus on my "job" right now. Lilly will always be watching me-so whatever attitude I portray, she will learn. Lilly may grow up and not want or not be able to have children. She might be very career driven or maybe a family just doesn't appeal to her. For now, my goal is to treat others the way I want her to treat others. It is important to me that she sees me be a working mommy no matter where I am or what I'm doing. Modeling a work ethic is the most important thing to me.

Next time I'm talking with a mom who works outside of the home I will refrain from screaming that I have a Masters degree in education. I will enjoy talking about the weather, my sweet Lilly, my wonderful husband, or maybe my favorite type of ice cream. I pray that God will help me remember who I am and not worry so much about who I want to be or what I'd like to have. Besides Jesus was humble and He was a nobody to many. I will work on modeling after Him so that Lilly will model after me. After all, God's purpose for me is to be with Lilly (for now anyway). 

Matthew 5:25 Therefore I tell you do not worry about your life, What you will eat or drink or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothes? 

The blog

Well, as I've begun my new job as a stay at home mom (sahm) I have learned many new things. Each day, in fact, I learn several new things seems like. I wanted to start a blog about it and to my surprise I already had; when I was 39 weeks pregnant with miss Lillian Grace. (btw, Lilly ended up being 4 days overdo. Completely healthy- 7 lbs 13 oz, 19 1/2 in long; I labored for 7 hours, had her naturally, and fell in love with her the moment she was put on my chest. God is so good and answered so many prayers. She overcame the 2 vessel cord as she measures and weighs more than I did at her age.)

So life as a mommy and wife....I love it. It's stressful. It's fulfilling. It's tiring. It's, it's, it's wonderful really. I never pictured myself staying at home, but low and behold here I am. Rodney and I are thankful to even have the opportunity to pursue it and I think Lilly likes it quite a bit as well.

Lilly was born in Cincinnati which is where I started this blog. I had gone back to work after 6 weeks (which was crazy soon!) because I wanted to finish out the school and well, get my all of pay checks through the end of the summer. Rod and I had been praying about a change in jobs for him and God led us to Chattanooga, Tennessee. We had also talked about my possibly wanting to stay home. So...we got married in March of 2012, had a baby January 2013, and moved to a new state, no family and a 6 month old in July 2013. People have said to me, "Wow, no family and your first baby-that's hard." It is a bummer at times, to not have anyone around that you really "know," but we are actually enjoying our little family of three. We miss our families often, but luckily they enjoy coming down to visit.

So that's the background info. Here is what I would really like to focus on with this blog:

1. Being a sahm and self-esteem.
2. Being a sahm and identity.
3. Being a sahm and spending.
4. Being a sahm and a woman of God.

5. Being a sahm and being a mom.

I recently started something called BSF (Bible Study Fellowship). My mother-in-law and sister-in-law recommended I look into it since I just moved to a new city. "It's a great way to meet new people," they said. Well, little did I know how wonderful it actually would be. Therefore, many of my posts may relate to Matthew which is the book we're studying. Hopefully my posts will be led by the Holy Spirit. I really want to speak to a community of mothers (not just sahms) because I feel like we have the toughest job (especially working moms, which I plan to touch on quite a bit). I'm excited to share my thoughts with other mommies and I'm hoping to hear what other people feel as well. These five topics are things that I am currently experiencing and areas of life that I would like to work on as a person.

With that said, let the posting begin. I pray that God will use me to bless others and I look forward to growing from this experience as well.

Good night,
Katie Gray