Finding myself or fixing myself?

My husband recently, kindly and very accurately told me I am a perfectionist. It absolutely cracks me up that I am. Most perfectionists are prepared, organized, on time, they remember everything- I do not do half of these things. Yet I am so hard on myself in every situation. Literally, the way I sweep the floor I beat myself up about! It's hilarious really. 

I try to tell myself "Katie, you're not perfect. No one is perfect." Besides if we were what would be the point of even being on earth? What would our purpose be here if we were living perfectly? 

The best part about my imperfect perfectionism is that I'm a procrastinator too. Honestly, what kind of perfectionist puts things off??? I think as a mommy I naturally beat myself up about things. I did it when I was teaching as well, but if I do or don't do something "right" for Lilly I just can't take it! Now, some of this stems from the OCD that runs in my family- but I still think that all mommies want to be the best they can be.

I think we all have moments where we aren't proud of our reaction to things. For example, if your kiddo pulls something off of a self in the store and everything falls to the floor... And you're in a hurry. Great. Or for me, when I'm rocking Lilly to sleep, I've been doing so for about 10 or 15 minutes, she's asleep in my arms, I lay her in her your crib and she pops up; pulling herself to stand and looks me right in the eyes. I can get so frustrated with her and then she feels that frustration and really won't settle to go to sleep. Lol! So today, when I was rocking her for her nap I looked down at her and appreciated everything about her. I appreciated the fact that she needs me to rock her to sleep. I appreciated the fact that she is still small enough for me to rock her to sleep. I also appreciated that when I laid her in her crib she actually went to sleep. :) (there is quite a story of sleep frustration with this little one that I won't go into, but if anyone has experienced sleep trouble with your youngin' then you understand!)

Another thing I struggle with is feeling guilty about things. For example, if I put Lilly in her bouncy seat while I clean or in her play pin while I make lunch- I feel so bad sometimes! If we don't get to go for a walk for a couple of days or if I have her in the car for a long time I just feel awful!

When I get a chance to have those sweet one-on-one moments with Lilly- it means the world. I don't feel bad anymore or worry about something that may not have gone right. It's moments like that-looking at her innocence in my arms-that I realize how fortunate I am to even have Lilly in my life. I realize how fortunate Lilly is to have parents like Rodney and me who love her so much. It's all a reminder that I don't have to be perfect. I can and should make mistakes. I need something to learn from. I need grace in order to become a good parent; a good person; a more empathetic and compassionate Christian. I'm going to work on embracing my mishaps. Instead of getting overly frustrated when I'm late, forget something or something I do doesn't meet up to my standards I will remind myself that IT IS OKAY. I will survive! I will use each situation to learn from and to hopefully help others. This will be incredibly difficult for me, but again, trial and error is necessary for triumph!

Matthew 5:1-10  The Beatitudes

He said:

Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted.

Blessed are the meek for they will inherit the earth.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they will be filled.

Blessed are the merciful for they will be shown mercy.

Blessed are the pure in heart for they will see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers for they will be called children of God.

Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

We read about these in Bible study this week. When I'm hard on myself I need to remember these. God really is on our side even if we feel like our problem is too big or even unimportant. I want to display these beatitudes in my home. I want to think about them every day. I want to teach them to Lilly. I will continue to work on myself as a person. I will continue to read my Bible. I will continue to try to be the best role model for Lilly. 

So the next time something does not go my way or I feel guilty about something I didn't do well, I will take a deep breath,step back and remember that God loves me no matter what!!