Thinking...

My most thoughtful time of the day is when I'm rocking Lilly to sleep. Her room is dark and cozy. As I sit in our self-assembled Ikea rocking chair I take in the lullaby playing, the comfortable temperature, the sweet baby smells, the sound of Lilly breathing in my arms, and just the overall peace of the room. I think and think and think. 

Many times I just pray. As I try to patiently wait for her to be in a deep enough sleep so that I can put her in her crib I pray for numerous people. This actually helps me stay patient because it gives me something to do. :) I have found in the past few months that I am more prayerful than I have ever been in my life. Not only do I thank God for the many blessings around me but I pray for things I need or for what I think/know others need.

The other day I found myself wondering if I ask too much of God. Night after night I sit in that chair and I think and I pray. I pray for people who have asked me to pray. I pray for people who I know are in need. I pray for people I have just met or maybe someone I saw at the store. I pray for famous people and the families of people who have died. I especially pray for Lilly and I pray for Rodney and I too. I pray for guidance. I pray for forgiveness. I pray for patience. I pray for health. Of all of the things that I ask God to do I have to ask myself a question. What am I doing for God?

One might think that is what God is for-to pray too. God wants us to ask for things; afterall it does say that in the Bible. Matthew 7:7-8 Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks the door will be opened. I still just have to ask myself what am I doing for God?

I suppose that if people are asking me to pray for them I have done something to show them I am a person of God. Is that doing something for God? When I offer my time to volunteer somewhere, is that doing something for God? I constantly want to do more for God. Does He give me that desire or do I choose to feel that way? I get the movement within a person of the Holy Spirit confused with a person's free will. Are we called to serve God or do we choose to?

One thing I know for sure is that prayer and worship are definitely two ways to do something for God. Although our Father knows what we need before we ask Him, we should still pray. I think about how I pray for others. Does God know I am going to do that? I know that He knows what they need but does He know I am going to ask for that for them as well? 

I have recently devoted more of my life and time to God's word than I ever have in my life. I have been involved in things that shine His light; things that I never saw myself doing. I'm not trying to toot my own horn here, but I am trying to understand and answer the question "what am I doing for God." I think that if we ask ourselves this question on a regular basis, maybe even daily, we will begin to create a stronger relationship with Him. He does deserve our hearts; especially with all that we ask of Him! I suppose I will continue to find the answer to this question throughout my life. I will make it a goal of mine and a goal for my family to always ask what am I doing for God? I owe Him my life for giving His son for my freedom from sin. 

Just a small idea of all that I think about when rocking my baby girl to sleep. :) 

Mad at the baby?

Rodney and I dread the topic when it comes up but it's something that we must figure out, and soon! Lilly's sleep habits.

She started out creating her own schedule when she was one to two months old. Once I went back to work (she was six weeks), her routine really developed as my mom and mother-in-law watched her each day. She never really slept a ton, as her parents are both very social, and she was just always wanting to know what was next! Around two months, I was so exhausted from getting up with her at night and being back to work, I decided to just have her sleep with us. We read up on it and everyone ended up getting more sleep. 

Once we started looking at houses in Tennessee and traveling back and forth she was about four months old. We stayed in hotels where Lilly slept in the bed with us and it seemed like she was doing well with sleep. The car ride was an issue because she had become a tummy sleeper (butt up in the air actually) and so the sleep problems began. She naps really well now (although once we got moved she only slept for thirty minutes each nap). She now naps twice a day for well over an hour. FINALLY! However, every night after bath time and her bedtime routine, she goes down around 7:30pm and is up an hour or so later. Last night as a matter of fact, she was up at 8:30, 9:30 and then 10:30. She also got up somewhere in between midnight and three I believe but I was just too tired to go in. I have thought of and tried everything!! I think I may have created a monster :p 

All of this to say, as soon as Rodney and I try something new to help wean her from us coming in so much at night, we have failed. When I laid her down for her first nap this morning (the nap that she's quickest and easiest to fall asleep) she jolted up from where she was lying and started crying. I hadn't even left the room yet! I hid by the door for several more seconds and then walked out. As we dread doing, Rodney and I discussed what the issue might be. We told ourselves (and were reminded of the book I'd read and obsessed over for a bit on sleep) that her nap time was the best time for her to learn to fall asleep by herself. So she cried, and she cried. She cried some more. Twenty minutes had gone by and Rodney finally went in. She had pooped. So after feeling like we were "training" her, we were actually torturing her by letting her cry out for twenty minutes while her tushy burned.  

You'd think by twelve months we would get things a little bit better. You'd think we would have thought of that, mostly you'd think her MOMMA would have thought of it! So I proceeded to beat myself up about it, feeling terrible. I rocked her back to sleep and she went out pretty quickly. I admired her sweet face as she slept in my arms. Her long eyelashes, her cute pout, those sweet, soft, chubby cheeks. I was so frustrated that she wasn't sleeping before I'd gone into her. I was so frustrated that she just couldn't get herself back to sleep; just relax, wind down. I was mad. And then to go in and realize that she needed something made me even more mad-at myself! As soon as I try to help or teach her something, something that I always think could be wrong (and why I always end up going in to her at night) actually occurs! Fail. When I think I've got the hang of something.....

So of course I pray about it. I pray that God will help me stay calm, practice patience. I pray that God will help Rodney and I work together and not against each other in those frustrating moments. I also pray that God will forgive me and will help me hold onto the fact that Lilly is a precious gift from above. One of my biggest struggles as a person is to not get lost in the heat of the moment. It's difficult not to act out of anger or frustration but it is so important to try to do so. Especially when your children are watching. 

Blessed are the merciful for they will be shown mercy. Matthew 5:7

Blessed are the peacemakers for they will be called children of God. Matthew 5:9

Lilly's first birthday

It still hasn't really hit me that she is one. I was taping pictures to a poster board that I had taken of her each month and it was weird to think that I wouldn't be doing that anymore. I felt like a piece of my life and my time had come to an end. No more counting down. No more baby, just big girl from here on out!

As I looked around the noisy room taking it all in, I felt the love that surrounded us. Although not everyone was able to come to Lilly's party, I knew that they were thinking of her and cared about her special day. To see the smiling faces, hear laughter, and see Lilly crawl all over that room with such joy on her face, couldn't have made me happier. To see the joy of your child is like breathing in the fresh air of the first days of spring. There's a peace; a happiness; a fulfillment; a relief.

The more I reflected on the special people who surrounded us I was reminded of how we were made in His image. The love, care, concern, friendship, relationships, appreciation that we have for our loved ones is such a special thing. Without God, how could any of that exist? Without God, how could we feel love for one another? 

As I continue my walk with Christ, I realize more and more how much He truly does love us. This realization became more familiar to me once I had Lilly. Loving a child has to be the closest thing to understanding how much God loves us. Relationships with people have to be our closest connection to Christ, besides being moved by the Holy Spirit, of course. To know love, care or appreciation for a person is the perfect way to try to understand God's love and desires for us. As my love, guidance, hopes and dreams for Lilly grow, God's grow for me as well. When she stumbles and I soothe her, God comforts me in the same way. When she doesn't accept my advice and takes her own course, God gives me grace when I do the same. When she hurts, I hurt. When I hurt, God hurts. The best thing about being a parent; knowing that God loves Lilly far beyond what my human heart ever could. Hard to admit, but very true. 

It's comforting to know that God loves my sweet Lilly. Now to continue to pray that I accept all of the opportunities that He gives me to guide her and teach her throughout her life. Focusing on my own life, my married life, and my walk with Christ are all things I've had to and continue to work on. Adding parenting to the list is an honor no doubt! Knowing a little person is watching your every move is quite motivating to be at your best as often as possible. Thank goodness for God's grace. Hopefully Lilly will  grant me grace and I will be able to do the same for her :) 

#fail

So I was at Target the other day and as usual observing my surroundings. I walked in about the same time as another momma who had a stroller with twins. They were all zipped up in their carseat covers fast asleep. I watched as she pushed the stroller AND grabbed a cart. I was so amazed that I actually looked at her and said, "I admire you." 

She was super sweet and responsive (you know how you try to smile or say hi to someone you don't know and it's just not their day or whatever...). I told her that it's enough for me to get out to the store with just one (and of course sweet little Lilly was just grinning away at her)! This nice lady commented that those two kiddos were FIVE and SIX for her so she pretty much had it down. Yes, you read that right; four kiddos and then twins. Amazing! Super mom! 

So I went on about my Targeting and ran into another mom in the aisles. This mom had about a four or five month old who was slouched in the cart because it appeared she couldn't actually sit up yet. Cue the judgement. I passed this momma a few times and each time wanted to run over and pull that baby up and hold her! The baby seemed content in all honesty but in my mind she just didn't know any better. My heart was so heavy about it but I just kept trying to put it out of my mind. 

I ended up praying for this momma. I couldn't get the image out of my head and as I gently placed Lilly into her carseat in the parking lot, laughing with her and kissing her, the slouching baby and her momma approached their car. I got a better look at the situation and my heart continued to break! The body language that this momma had and the way she didn't seem to notice or care that her tiny one's head was pressed against the back of the plastic backing on the cart made me cringe. How did she not notice her child's discomfort?! Did she not see that this wasn't working?! Could she not tell that her child was not able to sit up properly and needed more support!? Ah! It was literally killing me!

Later on as I prayed again for that sweet baby's lack of care I compared this mommy to the "put together" one of six kids. What caused me to start conversation with the twins' mom? Why didn't I say hi to this other momma? What if she didn't know how to put her baby in the cart? Maybe she needed someone to acknowledge her or make her feel good. I started to feel guilty but I still prayed for that poor baby! I then thought of Matthew 5:47 And if you great only your own people, what are you doing more than others? 

It's so easy to be judgmental. Too easy. I started to think about my struggles with Lilly and the type of momma I am. I was reminded of how the last few nights have been bad and Lilly has woken up a ton. I cannot figure out what it could be and I've thought of and tried everything I know to try! Ive been exhausted due to this and a little grumpy; definitely impatient and irritable. Finally, I started to change my attitude towards putting her to bed and practice a lot of patience. She did better last and we'll see how tonight goes. 

I feel like such a failure when something goes wrong with our routine; especially when it's something we've worked so hard to accomplish. I can't stand moving backwards! Seems like if we feel failure in our own lives it makes it that much easier to judge somebody else's. Shame on me!

Of course I analyzed this situation using my faith. It wasn't kind of me to judge that momma but I did. Now to learn from it. Like I said, I prayed for that baby. I also prayed for the momma; that she might love and care for her baby to the best of her ability, for that baby's protection, and for someone to enter that women's life who might mentor her in how to care for a baby. It just seemed like she didn't care :(

My bible study this week is Matthew chapter 14. When Jesus tries to get some time alone to pray, He's followed. As the crowds (about 5,000 people although I learned today it was more like 25,000) approach Matthew 14:14 says "He had compassion on them and healed their sick." While answering my study questions I couldn't help but think about how Jesus probably just wanted to rest and have a time out, but people just kept following Him! His compassion is never ending. I feel like I should have had more compassion for this woman I saw. My heart is still hard as I feel she should have known better; should have seen the obvious. You just never know someone's story, though.

You know the Golden Rule? It came from the bible :) This situation was a great reminder for me; not to be so judgmental and also to reach out to people. We truly have never walked in anyone's shoes but our own.

What's a bible thumper anyway?

So when Rodney and I met we became super fast friends. We had a ton in common and could talk for hours. One thing we made clear to each other was that we didn't want to date a "bible thumper." During this conversation we also established that we wanted to spend our life with someone who was a Christ follower but someone who......didn't overdo it. Someone who believed in God but also knew how to have fun. Basically, a good person who loved God but would have a drink every now and then, ya know? 

I look back on this conversation and laugh. What in the world were we talking about? Having gotten back onto the path that God intended for me, I have come to several conclusions. Some of which, I knew all along but either didn't believe or didn't want to face.

1. God really will forgive my sins. 

2. God's plan truly is the best for me.

3. God's timing is the best timing. 

4. Knowing God and having a personal relationship with Christ is the most precious and wonderful gift I could have ever accepted.

4. ANYONE can obtain Christ's gift and it's free to us. 

5. What took me so long to accept this gift?

1. God really will forgive my sins. 

Seems simple enough, but I honestly did not feel worthy of forgiveness. I figured I'd gone too far, I was in too deep, my mistakes had been made, He'd seen them and I couldn't take them back even if I wanted to. What was the use in "becoming a Christian? Being born again? Asking for for forgiveness when I knew I didn't deserve it?" Whatever process you want to call it- I just didn't do it. Didn't think it would work. I still prayed and talked to God but my "prayers were empty" as I heard someone describe it today. 

When I finally came around (the Holy Spirit began to work in me and change my heart-I had started going to a new church different from any I had ever attended which wasn't all of it but was certainly helpful) I FINALLY could see that even though I do not deserve forgiveness, God offers it to me anyway. Jesus died FOR me so that I COULD be free. I say "offers" because it is ours for the taking. He WANTS to give us this free gift (Christ's life paid for our salvation) and He wants us to follow His plan. He loves us unconditionally!

2. Gods plan truly is the best for me. 

Oh did I try to fight this one. For years!! I do wish I could go back and make different decisions and get on His path sooner, but as many people say, "there's a reason for everything" I guess. I almostdidn't  become a teacher even! Once I reconnected with the roots I had gained as a child in church, started attending church again, and talked about Christ and the bible more, things started to snowball in all good ways. I had developed a new attitude towards hardships, I was more positive about frustrations at my job, and I met the love of my life, of course. The other "no bible thumpers please" person I was looking for. If you've read any of my other posts you know how much my hubby and our story means to me. :) GOD'S good plan, and timing for that matter, were in full swing the moment I laid eyes on Mr. Rodney Gray.  

3. God's timing is the best timing.

I have sometimes looked back on life and wished I could go back and "fix" things. I sometimes feel like so much of my life and my time were wasted on silly things. I was hung up on goofy issues or problems that really didn't mean anything at all. If I let myself think about it I get very flustered at all of my wasted years where I was trying to fill a void. I'll even think to myself, "I should have known better." I've found that this is the beautiful thing about forgiveness. Out with the old and in with the new. Your old self literally goes away and your new self begins (the idea of being born again-I could never figure out what this meant as a kid but I knew I was supposed to do it!) 

In my bible study, I have learned that God will call you to Him. He can change your heart if you earnestly seek Him. Now, I was once praying emptily to God and was expecting to wake up the next day a new person and that just wasn't working. It took some hard times and a deep feeling of despair to knock me to my knees and admit to Him that I needed Him and could do nothing without Him. His will for me began the moment I came to this realization. He has been so good to me ever since (and always was I just didn't understand or see it). This doesn't mean my life is some perfect "happily ever after" BUT I am able to cope, accept, and endure more knowing I am in His will. Such a beautiful promise knowing that He is by my side at all times, good and bad!

God's timing is the best timing because it's all part of a greater plan for our good and His glory. 

4. ANYONE can obtain Christ's gift and its free to us.

There was certainly a cost; Christ's life. His life was sacrificed so that our sins would be forgiven and we can spend eternity with Him. 

I've also learned in bible study that this doesn't mean, "hey I go to church every Sunday and I volunteer in my child's Sunday school class and I give clothes to Goodwill and I pray at every meal," etc. it means that we are earnestly seeking Him, confessing our sins, admitting our wrongs and ACCEPTING His forgiveness. We then must study His word, share the good news and treat others as Jesus would have. We are always growing in our walk with Christ!  (Am I perfect and do I do all that I write about 110% of the time? Hi, I'm human too and I have my share of struggles.) I've learned that when I saturate myself with The Word ( which I always thought was just for bible thumpers) and I try to apply what Jesus says in my life, I am happier, more positive and more loving in all situations throughout my life. 

Back to ANYONE. God's gift of Jesus' life saves ANYONE who trusts and believes in Him. If we don't, we will burn. It says that plenty of times in the bible! Jesus reiterates this over and over! He is kind enough to give several fair warnings! Took me long enough to decide to listen and believe. 

5. What took me so long to accept this gift?

I'm not sure that I have an answer to my own question. Life is so much better and makes so much more sense now that my heart is "all in." Before its like I was one foot in and one foot out, but Jesus says that you're either in or you're out. On judgement day at the end of the age there's no "gray" waiting area for people who just aren't sure yet. As much as we'd like to think that, it's either God or no God. It's funny because I sat on the fence for a LONG time. I suppose I imagined that fence because it just doesn't exist. I figured if I was at least partway "in faith" I'd be okay. I've learned otherwise. Your heart is either His or the world's. Like someone said in bible study today, it's uncomfortable to talk about, we will be separated in the end. The righteous will go to heaven and the others to hell. 

I am SO thankful that I finally figured out where my heart truly needed to be. I guess you could call me a bible thumper ;) I read God's word, I believe it and I want to share it with others because I want them to share in the love and forgiveness that is offered. It's a very real thing that at one time I doubted more than anything. I am sure I have longtime friends who, if they even read my posts, wonder "what happened to Katie? or Why is she so different?" All I can say is that I'm finally figuring out what life is truly about. Oh and regardless what you drink, bible thumpers have fun too :)