In the short amount of time that I was married (March 2012), had my first baby (Jan. 2013), and moved to a new state (July 2013), I hadn't had much time to really think about everything that was happening. I knew I was happy, excited, tired, nervous, and most of all faithful. My trust in the Lord had grown immensely since I had met my husband, dated him, was married and then became pregnant. I will never forget the day I was standing next to my future husband in church, listening to him singing the worship music and gushing with love for him.
I was struggling with the new path I was on because....well I didn't have a reason at the time; when I look back I think because I was happy, closer to God than I'd ever been, and so amazingly in love with this man that was 9 years older than me, Satan wanted to steal my joy. There were things trying to get in the way of me dating Rodney and things I was skeptical about, but my feelings for him were beyond anything I had ever experienced (I knew nothing but good could come from being with him). I will never forget that moment in church when I deliberately asked God to tell me "Is he the one for me? Is this the man I'm going to marry? Please give me a sign and I will follow Your path for me."
The feeling in my stomach and the emotion that physically rushed over me brings tears to my eyes even now. The reassurance that God gave me was the beginning of my new life. My new Christian life that He had planned for me all along. I had gotten so far off from His purpose for me. The joy and love that I had when I was with Rodney had me in love with him within the first month we dated! I knew marrying Rodney was part of God's purpose for me. It was incredible how God answered me right there as I was asking for an answer. I could finally see the plan He had for me coming to life.
All of this to say; purpose. Leaving my identify as a single girl, teaching school, becoming a wife, becoming a mommy, and moving away from home; WHO AM I? Who does God want me to be? What is His purpose for me?
Well, I'm a sahm and a wife. Okay, what does that mean? What is my purpose? I take care of Lilly throughout the night and into the early morning hours. feed her, change her, dress her, do laundry, pack Rod's lunch, make dinner, clean the house. Typical sahm mom stuff. However, my true purpose? It used to be to educate the 20 something young lives in my classroom. Now I am a wife and a mommy. I have the opportunity to truly take care of my family with 100% of my focus. I can really focus on molding Lilly's life toward God's chosen purpose for her. God's beautiful purposes for me are to be Rodney's wife and Lilly's mommy. I cannot imagine better purpose than to care for these two beings that I love with my whole heart.
Here's what I've struggled with. I used to FEEL my purpose. I used to feel so important to those 20 something students, their parents, my colleagues; a purpose in staying up late to grade papers, do lesson plans. I felt so important having a "job." Having a paycheck to contribute and being stressed out made me feel like I had a purpose. I was busy and worried and my mind was constantly thinking about what I forgot to do. My identity WAS my "job." Although there is absolutely nothing wrong with a job defining a person, I'm not sure that that was my purpose. Who was I? I was Mrs. Gray. A teacher. A mentor. A helper. An employee. A colleague. All wonderful things. When this was no longer what I was doing and I was at my new home everyday with Lilly, I started to wonder who I really am. I didn't feel important anymore.
We are studying Matthew in this new bible study group I'm doing called BSF. We are learning about how Jesus was so humble, grew up in a despised town, and was constantly rejected when he shared that he was the promised Messiah. I think about my need to feel important. I think about how Jesus was baptized by John, an everyday man from the wilderness. I think about how He suffered for me so that I could be saved. He had the power to feed himself after fasting 40 days and nights but trusted that God would take care of Him when Satan tempted him in his hunger. Why do I desire such a need to feel important? Why do I have the idea that having a "job" is the only way for me to feel like "somebody." These feelings are unique to me, I am not saying that others are this way.
Let me clarify a few things. I realize that I have a purpose with being at home with Lilly. My husband continually reminds me and thanks me for all that I do for our family of three. When I ask myself, "who is Katie Gray?" I realize that I may have been letting other things in my life define me. Yes, I am a mother, yes I am a wife. I'm also a sister, a daughter, a cousin; even an aunt! I am a child of God. A woman of God. I am still figuring out WHO I AM. I am grateful to fulfill my purpose to be married to Rodney and to be Lilly's mommy. I am excited for what these purposes will do and are doing as I impact Rodney and Lilly. I pray that I impacted those students in positive ways. I also expect that more opportunities to work for God will come up in my life. I will embrace them and follow His will for me. For now, I am enjoying finding myself in faith and in my life. I am blessed and thankful that God's purpose for me is to be a sahm right now. I continue to listen and wait patiently for anything else that He wants me to do in order to show His love to others.
As my faith grows, I pray that I can become someone who I want Lilly to model after. I have a lot of work to do, but I am excited and willing to make changes! Who are you? Do you like who you are? Who you've become? Are you following God's purpose for your life? If not, what can you do to get back on track? It's definitely something to think about.
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