So I thought back to when Rodney and I decided that I'd stay home. It was never a set plan or decision. We had many conversations about it while I was pregnant and then of course after Lilly arrived. I went back to work when she was six weeks old, which really didn't seem so emotionally tough because my mother and mother-in-law took care of her...at my home...Monday to Friday...didn't have to get her up each day, pack up a diaper bag, bundle her up and head out. I had it made! Not bragging, just VERY thankful. Knowing I only had to teach ten weeks of school then I'd have the summer with Lilly was also motivating. I really don't remember feeling horribly bad about going back to work until.....I did feel horrible. I had my moments where I was so glad to be back. To hug those second graders, my coworkers, and just be on a set schedule again where I actually took a shower every day and put my face on! :p
So when those bad days came where I just wanted to be with Lilly I had enormous encouragement from friends at school. So many of them had little ones as well and it was so helpful to have someone to chat with and show pictures of Lilly to. However, when it came down to it I just wanted to be with Lilly.
When Rodney and I discussed the decision of whether I would or could stay home, it always boiled down to our values. If I stayed home, could we live without Chipotle? Penn station? Frequent shopping trips for new clothes? traveling? A second car? Interesting.....when you make a decision to do or have one thing you have to give up another. So we sat on it for several weeks. At least ten weeks and then it was finally summer.
Over the summer I analyzed my days at home with Lilly. Hard working Rod got up for work each day, I made him a smoothly for breakfast and then he was out the door. Then it was Lilly, me, and our condo. We developed quite a routine and I was really enjoying myself. Then I would notice that all of our clothes were in the hamper instead of hanging and clean. Whoops. Forgot to do laundry. Then I would notice the trash was full. Bummer, had to do something about that. Then I realized I hadn't vacuumed in about a month. You see where I'm going?
At this point I still had a job in Monroe and we still lived in Ohio. I started to wonder, am I not cut out to be a sahm? Am I not good at it? How did I forget to wash my clothes??? Did I not smell the trash? Truth is, I thrive on routine. I needed a reason to wake up at a certain time and then a reason to get dressed and a reason to wash my clothes! What if I was supposed to work? What if staying at home was not meant for me? I was crushed at the thought! Then I thought back to my working days as a new mommy and how I struggled to keep up with the housekeeping even then! What if I'm just going to be a terrible mom AND teacher?! What if I can't do both, but not one without the other?! Holy cow! I started to get really down on myself......AND THEN, a new job opportunity came up for Rod.
I suppose the move was my answer. I am currently staying home, but till struggling with needing routine. I decided to just make one for myself. I definitely clean more than I ever have and I really enjoy cooking now! (I was so tired when I was working to actually follow a yummy recipe for dinner...but we save so much money eating at home as well!) I'm also trying to tell myself that this "down time" that I have with Lilly will only last for so long and then it will be gone forever. I need to just sit back and be thankful for it instead of trying to fill my life with business again (I'm naturally hyper).
Am I weak for not being a super mom? Not necessarily. I do sometimes feel like I couldn't "make the cut" doing both. I did not feel that I could give 100% of myself to my students, husband, and little one (not to mention the pumping three times a day really made me feel like I was losing time in the day!) It was unfair to all three parties and anything or any time for myself was completely forgotten! My mom was certainly a super mom. She did it ALL! Which was another struggle in my decision to stay home. When that hard of a worker is your role model all of your life, you feel pretty pathetic not following that route (and she had three children! Good grief!).
I've decided that God has another plan for me right now. With the time (I use this word lightly) that I have outside of a traditional job, I plan to do some volunteering. I'm still searching for my "talent," if you will, to use in order to serve God better. I am praying that there is at least one inside of me somewhere!! I love to sing, work with children, and help people, but no opportunities have opened up for me yet. Again, trying to go a day at a time is extremely hard for this hyper momma, but I'm enjoying every moment with my seet Lilly. As always, God bless ALL of the super moms out there! You are my hero! :)
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