To My Friends From High School and College

I read this just this morning:

"I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it." Philippians 4:10 

For the longest time I gave God no opportunity to show His love for me. I remember getting in a car accident once and how fortunate I was that it was not worse. I remember thanking God for protecting me but then going right back to my self-indulged life. As quickly as I forget Him, He remembers me. 

I've been overwhelmed with the mistakes from my past. He has cleansed and forgiven me, yet I struggle to forgive myself. I'm my biggest critic. I wrote this poem several months ago to try and let go of my shame. 

**Who I am

To my friends in high school and college 

When you hear my name you might think

"Awe, she was so nice."

And it's not that I'm not....

I just wasn't living right. 

Sometimes I wish that I could go back

But God says Forget it. You're better than that.

See when I get disgusted with myself

He reminds me, 

Your sins? I've tossed them away

Far behind me.

He's forgotten. I'm forgiven.

And so I can keep livin'.

Many times I've asked "Who am I?"

Even as a child

And when I start to think about it

My mind starts running wild

I grew up in church,

Hurt by many there.

How I was treated,

Made me think God didn't care.

So the world began to pull me

Away from being mended

So far off the path 

He had graciously intended

I tried to fit in here,

I longed to fit in there

But what I was searching for,

On this earth

Was nowhere.

Was I an athlete?

Potentially.

A musician?

Not completely.

If only I had realized His waiting

So sweetly. 

Many things I did 

Were what I thought someone else would do

And so a wishy-washy young lady grew

From what to wear

And who to hang with

To activities in school 

It wasn't that I need approval 

Or that I wanted to be "cool"

There was a void needing filled

Earthly life, with my mind was toying

Even sports teams were a confusion (we all know that one's been annoying)

If only I had been who I am today

No doubt

Many might be following Him right now

Here's what's so great about our Christ

He always gets everything

EVERYTHING right

His timing

His plan

His thoughts and ideas

Are of perfect harmony 

With the ones He adores 

So as I drifted further away

His plan never did sway

As long as lines run parallel

His grace, love, and protection 

Were my miracle

When MY life that I planned

Didn't go well

He picked me up 

And kept me from hell.

The impact I could have made haunts me some

But Christ did say

Because I am the ONE

Your sins are forgiven 

And I was the cost

Now live for me 

Your life is not lost.

Yes, Christ made me whole

Cleansed me

Made me more pure

Even though I couldn't take back

All I'd done before 

And as time's gone on my question no longer stands 

For I'm not asking,

I'm telling you WHO I AM**

If you feel shame or guilt about things you've done, seen or places you've been in your life, please know there is a living God who loves you. Whether you love, serve, believe in Him or not, He is still your Creator and He wants a relationship with you. 

Self

I haven't written in a LONG time and my heart has changed quite a bit since the last post. My heart has grown, as I now have two precious children and not just sweet Lilly. Charlie came to us in Chattanooga, Tennessee in October 2014. He's such a sweet toddler now!! Twenty months today!

My heart has also grown in my faith. My heart has been heavy since I recently studied Revelation with BSF. God's mercy and justice were perfectly married together in ways even the most talented writer couldn't have come up with! But my heart is heavy for those who do not believe. I'm now studying Romans with my Mom and the truths that Paul shares should be heard by all.

Romans 2:8 says "But for those who are self-seeking and who reject the truth and follow evil, there will be wrath and anger."

I've been here. I've been self-seeking, doing for myself only, thinking of MY life, what makes ME happy, what path I want to follow, what plans I want to make. When things didn't go my way I'd get so bent out of shape. There were times of temporary happiness or when things seemed to be going okay for a short time; but in the long run? My life was miserably unpredictable and unhappy. 

I'm not saying that if you believe in God your life will be predictable or that it will always be happy. From my experience, believing in God has given me peace and hope. It has also convicted me and caused me to analyze self not do for self. This seems to be the part that most people don't like and ultimately turns them off from Christianity (along with what organized church has portrayed to many but that's another conversation for another time). 

All to say-if you're living for self and that's working for you-awesome. But please know it will not last. There is no light at the end of the tunnel for that lifestyle. There is no happy ending, and there is no protection from God's wrath. The only way to eternal life is through belief, love and trust in Jesus Christ. The saying "the truth hurts" may be appropriate here if your heart is feeling convicted. Conviction is part of the faith. Realizing that we are far from perfect, even me, a Christ loving and God fearing Christian, is the first step in knowing Him. Confessing your sins (which I have to do on a daily basis), asking for forgiveness, and then obeying Him are the other steps in accepting Christ. It will transform you but it will be a better you. The you God created you to be.

Dangerous SELFs

self-will

Self-identity

Self-seeking

Self- ish

These will all cause pain, frustration, rejection to some extent OR the opposite. You might find other people who accept you, love you, make you feel that you're in the right to do for yourself. "The world is cruel," they'll say. "Do what's right, what's best for YOU." If you choose this path as I did for a long time, you will suffer eternally. What happens on earth doesn't stay on earth, Heaven knows all. Eternal happiness is what I want but don't deserve. 

So as I've read and thought about these words, death has become more tragic to me than ever before. The truth of where people go when they die is concerning to me given I know so many non believers. I feel an urgency to share about God's wrath. However there is good news too!!

Lamentations 3:22-23 "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."

To receive such mercy these dangerous SELFs have to turn into selfless. 

God bless,

Katie 

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