She started out creating her own schedule when she was one to two months old. Once I went back to work (she was six weeks), her routine really developed as my mom and mother-in-law watched her each day. She never really slept a ton, as her parents are both very social, and she was just always wanting to know what was next! Around two months, I was so exhausted from getting up with her at night and being back to work, I decided to just have her sleep with us. We read up on it and everyone ended up getting more sleep.
Once we started looking at houses in Tennessee and traveling back and forth she was about four months old. We stayed in hotels where Lilly slept in the bed with us and it seemed like she was doing well with sleep. The car ride was an issue because she had become a tummy sleeper (butt up in the air actually) and so the sleep problems began. She naps really well now (although once we got moved she only slept for thirty minutes each nap). She now naps twice a day for well over an hour. FINALLY! However, every night after bath time and her bedtime routine, she goes down around 7:30pm and is up an hour or so later. Last night as a matter of fact, she was up at 8:30, 9:30 and then 10:30. She also got up somewhere in between midnight and three I believe but I was just too tired to go in. I have thought of and tried everything!! I think I may have created a monster :p
All of this to say, as soon as Rodney and I try something new to help wean her from us coming in so much at night, we have failed. When I laid her down for her first nap this morning (the nap that she's quickest and easiest to fall asleep) she jolted up from where she was lying and started crying. I hadn't even left the room yet! I hid by the door for several more seconds and then walked out. As we dread doing, Rodney and I discussed what the issue might be. We told ourselves (and were reminded of the book I'd read and obsessed over for a bit on sleep) that her nap time was the best time for her to learn to fall asleep by herself. So she cried, and she cried. She cried some more. Twenty minutes had gone by and Rodney finally went in. She had pooped. So after feeling like we were "training" her, we were actually torturing her by letting her cry out for twenty minutes while her tushy burned.
You'd think by twelve months we would get things a little bit better. You'd think we would have thought of that, mostly you'd think her MOMMA would have thought of it! So I proceeded to beat myself up about it, feeling terrible. I rocked her back to sleep and she went out pretty quickly. I admired her sweet face as she slept in my arms. Her long eyelashes, her cute pout, those sweet, soft, chubby cheeks. I was so frustrated that she wasn't sleeping before I'd gone into her. I was so frustrated that she just couldn't get herself back to sleep; just relax, wind down. I was mad. And then to go in and realize that she needed something made me even more mad-at myself! As soon as I try to help or teach her something, something that I always think could be wrong (and why I always end up going in to her at night) actually occurs! Fail. When I think I've got the hang of something.....
So of course I pray about it. I pray that God will help me stay calm, practice patience. I pray that God will help Rodney and I work together and not against each other in those frustrating moments. I also pray that God will forgive me and will help me hold onto the fact that Lilly is a precious gift from above. One of my biggest struggles as a person is to not get lost in the heat of the moment. It's difficult not to act out of anger or frustration but it is so important to try to do so. Especially when your children are watching.
Blessed are the merciful for they will be shown mercy. Matthew 5:7
Blessed are the peacemakers for they will be called children of God. Matthew 5:9
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