Giving

I bought a few pairs of shoes when I was pregnant and now they're too big or they don't match any of my regular clothes. I instantly want to go out and buy more, of course.  Then I think about people who don't have shoes at all; they can't afford them or they have to make them (third world countries don't have Payless or Macys down the street). 

I got to thinking, if we step back from our own wants or frustrations in life and notice those around us who are really hurting, we will see how little our problems really are. There are situations where we really need to focus our time and money; where we need to give instead of take. If we can see past our own selfishness we can then see what truly matters and who is truly in need. 

When I was leaving Walmart the other day there was an elderly man getting into a car. Someone was picking him up at the door. He had one leg and was on crutches. As I drove away in MY car, with MY legs, and the FREEDOM to go wherever I wanted next, I thought about that man. I wondered if he had been a part of why I had the freedom I have; had he been in an accident? Was he born that way? I instantly felt thankful and blessed. 

Another situation that got me thinking was when Lilly wouldn't eat all of her dinner. As I dumped a few green beans in the garbage I wondered how many children would do anything for those few bites. It absolutely broke my heart. Now, I realize I could get completely obsessed with thinking these things constantly, but when you compile how many times you dump a "few" pieces of food in the garbage over a number of years-that's a ton of food wasted! 

Yes, we need to take care of ourselves and our own. What does that mean though, "take care of?" Does it mean to get our children the latest games and technology or that name brand pair of shoes that everybody has? Do we need another pair of jeans to go with that certain jacket or a new car because the current one is "out of style?" Or is taking care of our families teaching our children to love others; to be compassionate, kind? Are we taking care of our children if we teach them the bible and about Jesus; who He was and what He stood for? By teaching our children about these things will they be equipped for the world or do they need to learn to "want" and learn selfishness and greed like the people around them most likely have mastered? Should we teach them to always think "What's in it for me?" 

According to Jesus, by giving, helping and serving others we will be rewarded. Maybe not in this life, but GREAT IS OUR REWARD IN HEAVEN. Isn't giving, helping and serving a reward in itself, though? If you've ever given to a homeless person on the street, taken things to Goodwill or Salvation Army, or bought gifts for an angel Tree child, did you not get a warm, fuzzy feeling inside? Did you not feel good about what you had done? Did you need more recognition than that?

Here is what I'm currently learning: Jesus wants me to give, help, and serve others. By doing these things and sharing His love, I feel rewarded. People are desperate, hurting and lost (as I once was). Although I am no longer lost, I am definitely still learning. Can I give to, help, and serve every hurting person in this world? No. Can we all work together to be the hands and feet of Jesus to reach as many of these people as possible? YES. 

I'm telling you, if we step back and look at all that we "have," then imagine it all being taken away, we will realize that we have nothing. If we stop comparing ourselves, house, cars, clothing, etc. to our neighbors and friends, we will release a weight from our shoulders that we probably never knew was there. If we focus on Jesus, our personal relationship with God and focus on other people rather than ourselves, it will be life changing. The worries and stresses of this world will fade away and our hearts will be filled with the "right" kind of treasures. 

I think it is so easy to get comfortable inside our little bubbles such as our families, group of friends or even our church. I know I have had a hard time busting out of my bubble or comfort zone when searching for a church here in Chattanooga. My mother-in-law put it well, sometimes we look for entertainment in a church....and that is exactly what I was doing; looking for what a church can do for me rather than what I can do for the church. Rodney and I have desperately been trying to find ways to give and help others in our new city. We knew God had sent us here for a reason and we are finally getting a taste of what His plan is. It's an amazing feeling! As we've started to give more and more of our time, money, we have analyzed all that we "have." It's incredible how helping other people has opened our eyes and shown us how much of what we have we really don't need after all. It's crazy how the world can make us think one way when our minds should be focused another way; on Jesus.

So with the most wonderful time of year among us, I want to share something our pastor said this morning. He said that the most important thing we can know about Christmas is that Jesus' life did not begin in Bethlehem. I think this is a powerful statement that one can only understand if you know the bible and bible stories about Jesus (which I'm getting there! Still learning! Lol) I think about all of the Christmas songs we sing such as Away in a Manger, We Three Kings, Silent Night; all about welcoming this little baby- a king wrapped in cloth. I think what the pastor was saying is that Jesus innocently entered the world the way we all did, but His life had been planned for centuries because God is a great story writer :) I haven't read much in the Old Testament yet, but I do know there were numerous, maybe hundreds of prophesies of Jesus' coming. It did not all begin the day Jesus was born. Pretty incredible how clever our God is to write such s story. 

So anyway, in my personal story I feel like I am in the process of reaching what God has ultimately planned for me; a different way of life than I'm used to- putting others first and not worrying so much about "what's in it for me." It's hard to do sometimes but the internal reward is a blessing. 

This DMB song sums up the world pretty well. Lyrics below.

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Gwi4KpI_MgE&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DGwi4KpI_MgE 

Funny the Way It is by DMB

Lying in the park on a beautiful day

Sunshine in the grass, and the children play

Sirens passing, fire engine red

Someones house is burning down on a day like this

The evening comes and were hanging out

On the front step and a car rolls by with the windows rolled down

And that war song is playing, why cant we be friends?

Someone is screaming and crying in the apartment upstairs

Funny the way it is, if you think about it

Somebodys going hungry and someone else is eating out

Funny the way it is, not right or wrong

Somebodys heart is broken and it becomes your favorite song

The way your mouth feels in your lovers kiss

Like a pretty bird on a breeze or like water to a fish

A bomb blast brings a building crashing to the floor

You hear the laughter while the children play war

Funny the way it is, if you think about it

One kid walks 10 miles to school, anothers dropping out

Funny the way it is, not right or wrong

On a soldiers last breath his babys being born

Standing on a bridge, watch the water passing under me

It must've been much harder when there was no bridge just water

Now the world is small, remember how it used to be

With mountains and oceans and winters and rivers and stars

Watch the sky, the jet planes, so far out of my reach

Is there someone up there looking down on me?

Boy chase a bird, so close but every time

Hell never catch her, but he cant stop trying

Funny the way it is, if you think about it

One kid walks 10 miles to school, anothers dropping out

Funny the way it is, not right or wrong

On a soldiers last breath his babys being born

Funny the way it is, not right or wrong

Somebodys broken heart becomes your favorite song

Funny the way it is, if you think about it

A kid walks 10 miles to school, anothers dropping out

Standing on a bridge, watch the water passing under me

It must've been much harder when there was no bridge just water

Now the world is small, remember how it used to be

With mountains and oceans and winters and rivers and stars

 

Attention, appreciation, recognition

After a rough nap (or no nap I should say) day with Lilly, I finally got her down for bed. She cried for about 20 minutes before falling asleep which was horrific for me because she never cries herself to sleep! Long story short, I'm exhausted. She was fussy today and seemed more needy than usual. Takes a toll on my carpal tunnel when she wants held so much!

Since I didn't get to everything on my to do list today I was finishing up one last to-do tonight. I was sitting on my bed with a few of Lilly's books and some tape. Most of them were pop-up or lift-the-flap and naturally she, at nine months, had ripped parts of the books out. At the end of one of the lift-the-flaps there are animals from the story that pop-up. She would get so excited over them that she would just rip them right off of the page! Anyway, I sat there,on my bed, exhausted, and I taped each little piece and each little animal back where it belonged. Then I got to thinking....

As a mommy, and wife too actually, I find myself going "above and beyond" the call of duty, if you will. I find I concern myself with the smallest of details and feel the need to make things as perfect as possible for Lilly and for Rod. I also thought about how Lilly is incapable of appreciating (or at least she's incapable of saying it) my fixing the books at her age. I thought about how she could probably care less that I homemake all of her food and wouldn't know the difference if I gave her a jar of baby food (which she did have jarred food early on because I wasn't familiar enough with certain foods to make it myself lol). Why did I feel the need to tape the little pieces of paper and cardboard back onto those pages? Why do I continually annoy my husband with questions at dinner about whether it's good or not; what flavors does he taste the most? Would he eat it again? I aim to please. Although I think this can be a personality trait, I think that all mommies want to please.

When I was teaching, I wanted nothing more than for my students to feel loved and successful. As a teacher you are, in the spotlight, on stage, in charge. You're the center of those 25 little minds' and hearts' attention for a short period of time, if you're lucky, each day. You're their role model; their support, encouragement, authority, friend, their everything! And what did I get in return? APPRECIATION. Attention. 

Also when I was working I enjoyed hearing what my observer thought of me as a teacher after an evaluation (if it was positive of course!). Just to hear "good job," or "nice work," or to just feel an imaginary pat on the back was truly worth something. IMPORTANT POINT: I have an amazing husband who recognizes this and does everything in his power to give me that "pat on the back" and he shows his appreciation. I am blessed for that! However, there is just something about being "out there" in the work force, making obvious changes in children's lives where you feel like you've truly made a difference. Can anyone relate to this???

Don't get me wrong; I do not for one second take advantage of my staying home with Lilly. I am still learning what it's all about. I am still learning who God wants me to be and what more I can do for His glory! I'm sure me getting a pat on the back is not part of that will. I think it's just human nature to know we have pleased someone in all of the hard work we've put toward something. It's human to want (or need) to be noticed, appreciated, SEEN!  However, we truly should focus on pleasing God and we should aim for HIS pat on the back for us (even though it doesn't always come when we want it to). 

Jesus said not to be "showy" (in much, much better words, though). 

Matthew 6:1  Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your father in heaven. 

Matthew 6:4 ...Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

To circle back to fixing Lilly's books; I didn't fix them to earn appreciation. I didn't fix them hoping someone would "notice". I fixed them because I wanted to. I wanted something that Lilly loved to be exactly how she wanted it to be. I wanted to restore the books that she enjoys so much. I wanted to do it. I think many mommies can relate to this feeling. We just "do stuff" because we aim to please. We want our children and our families to be happy and content. We will do anything in our power to make these things happen (not sure this is just a mommy thing-I think many women care about their families this way!!) 

So of course this related back to Jesus Christ. God wanted to save the world from our suffering; Even though we brought it upon ourselves. He thoroughly thought out a plan to create a human being that was part man and part God- to die for us. The craziest thing about it is that Jesus wanted to do it. He willingly suffered due to all of our imperfections. Willingly suffered.

I think that when I became a parent the whole idea of God being my Father, who loves me and wants what is best for me, really started to sink in. I get it now. Jesus wanted to die so that I could live. This truth truly helps me accept his forgiveness for all of my goof ups in life. Now I can only hope that Lilly recognizes my care for her and will always do what I want her to do. ;) 

Just kidding.

God is good all the time! 

What do you treasure?

My amazing husband recently posted this on Facebook:

"I've finally realized the more you get (material things, money, job titles etc) the more you worry about losing those things. The more you give (love, time, an ear to listen) the more you get (hope, grace, love in return). It's a basic concept that I've over complicated for a long time."

I admire this so much and he and I discuss this often. Jesus says "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy and where thieves break in and steal" Matthew 7:19. He says to store up treasure in heaven where nothing can destroy it. Where your treasure is your heart will also be. 

So what does that mean?? Well I've been thinking about it a lot and especially with the holidays around the corner. It's so easy to get caught up in the traditions of things such as:  shopping for gifts, trying to get the best deals on Black Friday, getting the latest technologies, games, movies, toys for our kiddos, baking enough cookies for our company, getting a new outfit for New Year's Eve...sound familiar? I think about how fun all of these things are and how special traditions can be in a family. I also think about Lilly. I think about how she is watching us; our reactions to situations, our decisions, what we value. I'm very excited to create new traditions with our little tripod and even more excited to give more.

Rodney and I visited a church this weekend that was entirely different from any church I have ever experienced. Their  church was held in a workout space so naturally they had to transform the room. They had a "welcome table" in the back with donuts, coffee, and snacks. They had set up chairs in rows to serve as "the church." There was a music stand up front and a few microphones and the kids all went upstairs for children's church in another workout room type area. By no means was it a "church" but it was certainly a church setting. "Where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them." Matthew 18:20

So needless to say we had an amazing experience. We were approached personally by the pastor and the children's leader when we came through the door. I handed Lilly over to the children's leader with as little worry as I could (she's with me 98% of the time) :p She actually slept-which was a blessing because their service was right in the middle of her nap time. The worship was wonderful, the pastor's message was genuine and hit home for Rod and I AND best of all, the children came downstairs for communion with everyone. We spoke with the pastor afterwards and he explained how the children and the next generation are a big focus of the church. He also said that they take the children's curriculum and build onto it for the adult service! This was music to an elementary teacher's ears!!

So what does this have to do with treasures? This church clearly has their treasure stored up in heaven. The ministries they lead and the ideas that they have are genuine and from the heart. At Christmas time (and nearly all year round) they focus on disadvantaged families, women and children. They may not have a huge venue of a church with a giant sign outside advertising their services; Or the largest crowd of people headed to lunch around noon- but they offered a genuine love of God and Christ. Their mission in the community was very clear and they were welcoming to anyone who wanted to enter those warehouse-type doors. Their treasures were assisting the community and teaching others about Christ.

During the service the pastor talked about Christmas being an invasion. He talked about how when baby Jesus was born it was the beginning of the war-a war among the people- whether they would accept Him or live in the kingdom of the world.  Christianity makes people uncomfortable because they actually have to challenge their choices, lifestyles, and where their heart truly is. The beautiful thing about it? God is on our side. Yes, He wants us to follow His will, but He adores us so ferociously that He protects us in the process. 

So I'm asking myself often what do I treasure? What do I value? I can easily get wrapped up in my tripod and focus only on myself. It's definitely something to work on and listen to God about. 

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dzgSGHpVrJQ&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DdzgSGHpVrJQ

His love is furious! 

After Conviction

So the amazing thing about confessing our sins and asking for forgiveness is GRACE (Lillian's middle name btw :) ) I could easily get hung up on the things I have done wrong or still do, but God knows my heart and He forgives me graciously. If you didn't get to listen to David Crowder's song I posted last week, you MUST look up How He Loves Us and saturate yourself in those lyrics. "If grace were an ocean we'd all be sinking!" I also love "I don't have the time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way He loves us." Gets me every time :)

So we've talked about rewards recently in BSF. Who doesn't love a reward? A pat on the back? Recognition? Well I must say that my greatest reward (other than truly accepting Christ and God's forgiveness) is my husband. I was so broken when I started going to church with Rodney's sister. I hadn't met him or even knew she had a younger brother when I was babysitting her boys. When I met Rodney it was literally love at first sight. I didn't know that was actually real until I saw him. 

I shared in another post my experience of God's guidance and speaking to me. I asked God if Rodney was the one and He answered me instantly with the warmest, most reassuring butterflies in my stomach. It was amazing and a moment I will never forget. Little did I know how wonderful this reward would be. Rodney very quickly became my best friend. Getting to know me extremely well in a short amount of time, accepting my faults, forgiving me for mistakes, appreciating my hyper-ness, and most importantly seeing through to my heart, who I REALLY was and loving me unconditionally. At one point in my life this type of love was all I was seeking. Once I had my focus in the right place, on God, He rewarded me with the most amazing man I have ever met (not to mention a precious daughter soon after!!) :) I love you Rod.

Although I realize not all prayers are answered in such a timely manor AND not all prayers are answered, God is so good. Someone once told me, "Rejection is God's protection." It's so true. Garth Brooks even sang "Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers." After all, He knows what's best for us and He will bless us according to His will. Sometimes we are not rewarded-or seems like it takes years for anything to let up.... Remember, Great is your reward in heaven!

Matthew 6:33 But seek first His kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Looking forward to more of His guidance in my life and maybe even more rewards ;) 

Discovery

In the short amount of time that I was married (March 2012), had my first baby (Jan. 2013), and moved to a new state (July 2013), I hadn't had much time to really think about everything that was happening. I knew I was happy, excited, tired, nervous, and most of all faithful. My trust in the Lord had grown immensely since I had met my husband, dated him, was married and then became pregnant. I will never forget the day I was standing next to my future husband in church, listening to him singing the worship music and gushing with love for him. 

I was struggling with the new path I was on because....well I didn't have a reason at the time; when I look back I think because I was happy, closer to God than I'd ever been, and so amazingly in love with this man that was 9 years older than me, Satan wanted to steal my joy. There were things trying to get in the way of me dating Rodney and things I was skeptical about, but my feelings for him were beyond anything I had ever experienced (I knew nothing but good could come from being with him). I will never forget that moment in church when I deliberately asked God to tell me "Is he the one for me? Is this the man I'm going to marry? Please give me a sign and I will follow Your path for me." 

The feeling in my stomach and the emotion that physically rushed over me brings tears to my eyes even now. The reassurance that God gave me was the beginning of my new life. My new Christian life that He had planned for me all along. I had gotten so far off from His purpose for me. The joy and love that I had when I was with Rodney had me in love with him within the first month we dated! I knew marrying Rodney was part of God's purpose for me. It was incredible how God answered me right there as I was asking for an answer. I could finally see the plan He had for me coming to life.

All of this to say; purpose. Leaving my identify as a single girl, teaching school, becoming a wife, becoming a mommy, and moving away from home; WHO AM I? Who does God want me to be? What is His purpose for me? 

Well, I'm a sahm and a wife. Okay, what does that mean? What is my purpose? I take care of Lilly throughout the night and into the early morning hours. feed her, change her, dress her, do laundry, pack Rod's lunch, make dinner, clean the house. Typical sahm mom stuff. However, my true purpose? It used to be to educate the 20 something young lives in my classroom. Now I am a wife and a mommy. I have the opportunity to truly take care of my family with 100% of my focus. I can really focus on molding Lilly's life toward God's chosen purpose for her. God's beautiful purposes for me are to be Rodney's wife and Lilly's mommy. I cannot imagine better purpose than to care for these two beings that I love with my whole heart. 

Here's what I've struggled with. I used to FEEL my purpose. I used to feel so important to those 20 something students, their parents, my colleagues; a purpose in staying up late to grade papers, do lesson plans. I felt so important having a "job." Having a paycheck to contribute and being stressed out made me feel like I had a purpose. I was busy and worried and my mind was constantly thinking about what I forgot to do. My identity WAS my "job." Although there is absolutely nothing wrong with a job defining a person, I'm not sure that that was my purpose. Who was I? I was Mrs. Gray. A teacher. A mentor. A helper. An employee. A colleague. All wonderful things. When this was no longer what I was doing and I was at my new home everyday with Lilly, I started to wonder who I really am. I didn't feel important anymore. 

We are studying Matthew in this new bible study group I'm doing called BSF. We are learning about how Jesus was so humble, grew up in a despised town, and was constantly rejected when he shared that he was the promised Messiah. I think about my need to feel important. I think about how Jesus was baptized by John, an everyday man from the wilderness. I think about how He suffered for me so that I could be saved. He had the power to feed himself after fasting 40 days and nights but trusted that God would take care of Him when Satan tempted him in his hunger. Why do I desire such a need to feel important? Why do I have the idea that having a "job" is the only way for me to feel like "somebody." These feelings are unique to me, I am not saying that others are this way. 

Let me clarify a few things. I realize that I have a purpose with being at home with Lilly. My husband continually reminds me and thanks me for all that I do for our family of three.  When I ask myself, "who is Katie Gray?" I realize that I may have been letting other things in my life define me. Yes, I am a mother, yes I am a wife. I'm also a sister, a daughter, a cousin; even an aunt! I am a child of God. A woman of God. I am still figuring out WHO I AM. I am grateful to fulfill my purpose to be married to Rodney and to be Lilly's mommy. I am excited for what these purposes will do and are doing as I impact Rodney and Lilly. I pray that I impacted those students in positive ways. I also expect that more opportunities to work for God will come up in my life. I will embrace them and follow His will for me. For now, I am enjoying finding myself in faith and in my life. I am blessed and thankful that God's purpose for me is to be a sahm right now. I continue to listen and wait patiently for anything else that He wants me to do in order to show His love to others. 

As my faith grows, I pray that I can become someone who I want Lilly to model after. I have a lot of work to do, but I am excited and willing to make changes! Who are you? Do you like who you are? Who you've become? Are you following God's purpose for your life? If not, what can you do to get back on track? It's definitely something to think about.

Quick thought on judging

Have you ever been on a jury? Ever had to judge a person based on evidence given to you by strangers? Ever had to decide a complete stranger's fate by conversing with other strangers? I've never actually sat on a jury but I almost did. It was for a murder trial that happened in Fairfield, Ohio. Thank goodness I got out of it. I cannot imagine if I would have been part of deciding that man's fate!

So why is it so easy to judge other people? When you're out and about, do you find yourself judging people? Critiquing them? Looking at their clothes, car they're driving; what brand is on the bag they're carrying out of the mall? Do you see a mom disciplining her child while you're at the park and think "I would have NEVER handled it that way." Do you feel frustration toward someone when they complain about a situation that they're in; wondering "why did they do that in the first place?" or thinking "they got themselves into the mess they can get themselves out of it!"?

I think we all experience thoughts like these every now and then. I think its scary how natural they seem to happen. Where do these thoughts get us? What good does it do? What are we judging by? Are we comparing to ourselves? Have you ever wondered what others say about you?

Maybe we judge other's so that we don't have to look in the mirror; So we don't have to face our own faults or mistakes. Maybe it's almost a defense mechanism. If we focus on someone else's poor choices, mistakes, sins-we can put our own out of our minds.

Jesus didn't judge other's, but He could have because He was perfect! He had compassion, humility, kindness.  The book of Matthew and the discussions I've had in my bible study have been a complete reality check for me. 

In Matthew 5, Jesus is giving his Sermon on the Mount. He talks about fulfilling the laws and discusses murder, adultery, divorce, oaths, eye for an eye, and love for enemies. I was really moved by the other referenced scriptures. 1John says "Anyone who hates a brother or sister is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life residing in heaven." Wow. When I read this I really had to search my heart for grudges or disagreements I might have. I prayed that God would free me from these.

Matthew 5:25 says "Settle matters quickly..."

Matthew 5:44-45 "But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you that you may be children of your father in heaven."

It's so easy to point fingers and not focus on the things that WE need to work on in our own lives. In Matthew 7 Jesus says "Do not judge or you too will be judged." I think it's also important to remember "for in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."

When we judge each other and are hypocritical, it only causes hatred. It takes me back to 1John. I truly believe that if people dealt more with the one in their mirror, studied the Word, and modeled after Jesus, it would alleviate much of the hatred in the world.