Undeniable Grace

After today's lecture at BSF, it was even more confirmed how much I need The Lord. As soon as I think I know who I am becoming or what I need, I'm reminded of how imperfect I am. I have to go back to my completely ignorant comment about it being easy to be/become a Christian. Although my heart is in the right place and my personal goals are to become closer to and more knowledgeable of God, I can easily be setback and disappointed by things during my learning. This is completely a personal thing because God is good in every way ; I am just extremely hard on myself.  What I get setback and disappointed about is when I think I've taken steps forward in my growth, I then take two steps back. This week we discussed Matthew chapter 6 and what stood out to me the most was verses 24-35 about worry. If we understand and BELIEVE Jesus, we won't worry. I was instantly convicted when I heard this because I worry constantly. I felt guilty about worrying because if I continue to wor...

So I got to thinking about my staying at home with Lilly. This new "job," "adventure," "time out from teaching," whatever you want to call it. Is it a selfish choice? Am I selfish for staying home with Lilly? Ultimately, am I at home to take care of her or am I at home just so that I can be with her all of the time and not miss anything?! It's something to think about... So I thought back to when Rodney and I decided that I'd stay home. It was never a set plan or decision. We had many conversations about it while I was pregnant and then of course after Lilly arrived. I went back to work when she was six weeks old, which really didn't seem so emotionally tough because my mother and mother-in-law took care of her...at my home...Monday to Friday...didn't have to get her up each day, pack up a diaper bag, bundle her up and head out. I had it made! Not bragging, just VERY thankful. Knowing I only had to teach ten weeks of school then I'd hav...

My husband and I were talking the other night and I said to him," Ya know, it really is very easy to be a Christian. Recognize your sins, confess, ask for forgiveness, and live for God. Why don't more people do this?!" Wow. How ignorant of me. I must have forgotten in that moment where I have been. I must have forgotten how lost I had become at one time; how untrusting I was; how angry and abandoned I felt. I still suffer from guilt for mistakes I've made and for choices I wish I could go back and change. I also struggle to live up to His standards-well none of us can-and keep faith that He loves me even when I make mistakes. The most impressionable church I went to when I was younger completely skewed the way I saw God. I was continually confused about what it meant to be a Christian and what God's role in my life was. I went to church, I prayed, I cried a lot. I was a good kid, nice to others. Why didn't it feel right? Why did I feel like the least of them w...

My husband recently, kindly and very accurately told me I am a perfectionist. It absolutely cracks me up that I am. Most perfectionists are prepared, organized, on time, they remember everything- I do not do half of these things. Yet I am so hard on myself in every situation. Literally, the way I sweep the floor I beat myself up about! It's hilarious really.  I try to tell myself "Katie, you're not perfect. No one is perfect." Besides if we were what would be the point of even being on earth? What would our purpose be here if we were living perfectly?  The best part about my imperfect perfectionism is that I'm a procrastinator too. Honestly, what kind of perfectionist puts things off??? I think as a mommy I naturally beat myself up about things. I did it when I was teaching as well, but if I do or don't do something "right" for Lilly I just can't take it! Now, some of this stems from the OCD that runs in my family- but I still think that all momm...

One thing I've realized I'm insecure about with being a sahm, is talking with other moms who work outside of the home. I find myself feeling inferior or that I have nothing to talk to them about. I wonder sometimes if they view me as that barefoot pregnant person that just washes clothes all day (no I'm not pregnant again- just giving a visual). No one has made me feel bad about being a sahm; maybe I take on this idea myself and worry about it on my own. It's definitely a weird feeling though and situations can be awkward.  When I was working I had my own idea of sahms. I wasn't always sure what to think of them. When I would see a super fit mom I'd think "gee must be nice to have time to really work out and focus on your body." If a student would miss class to go somewhere special with their parents during a school day I'd think "Must be nice to go to the zoo on a less crowded day than a weekend day." Although I would have never admitted...

Well, as I've begun my new job as a stay at home mom (sahm) I have learned many new things. Each day, in fact, I learn several new things seems like. I wanted to start a blog about it and to my surprise I already had; when I was 39 weeks pregnant with miss Lillian Grace. (btw, Lilly ended up being 4 days overdo. Completely healthy- 7 lbs 13 oz, 19 1/2 in long; I labored for 7 hours, had her naturally, and fell in love with her the moment she was put on my chest. God is so good and answered so many prayers. She overcame the 2 vessel cord as she measures and weighs more than I did at her age.) So life as a mommy and wife....I love it. It's stressful. It's fulfilling. It's tiring. It's, it's, it's wonderful really. I never pictured myself staying at home, but low and behold here I am. Rodney and I are thankful to even have the opportunity to pursue it and I think Lilly likes it quite a bit as well. Lilly was born in Cincinnati which is where I started this ...