Monday, February 3, 2014

Thinking...

My most thoughtful time of the day is when I'm rocking Lilly to sleep. Her room is dark and cozy. As I sit in our self-assembled Ikea rocking chair I take in the lullaby playing, the comfortable temperature, the sweet baby smells, the sound of Lilly breathing in my arms, and just the overall peace of the room. I think and think and think. 

Many times I just pray. As I try to patiently wait for her to be in a deep enough sleep so that I can put her in her crib I pray for numerous people. This actually helps me stay patient because it gives me something to do. :) I have found in the past few months that I am more prayerful than I have ever been in my life. Not only do I thank God for the many blessings around me but I pray for things I need or for what I think/know others need.

The other day I found myself wondering if I ask too much of God. Night after night I sit in that chair and I think and I pray. I pray for people who have asked me to pray. I pray for people who I know are in need. I pray for people I have just met or maybe someone I saw at the store. I pray for famous people and the families of people who have died. I especially pray for Lilly and I pray for Rodney and I too. I pray for guidance. I pray for forgiveness. I pray for patience. I pray for health. Of all of the things that I ask God to do I have to ask myself a question. What am I doing for God?

One might think that is what God is for-to pray too. God wants us to ask for things; afterall it does say that in the Bible. Matthew 7:7-8 Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks the door will be opened. I still just have to ask myself what am I doing for God?

I suppose that if people are asking me to pray for them I have done something to show them I am a person of God. Is that doing something for God? When I offer my time to volunteer somewhere, is that doing something for God? I constantly want to do more for God. Does He give me that desire or do I choose to feel that way? I get the movement within a person of the Holy Spirit confused with a person's free will. Are we called to serve God or do we choose to?

One thing I know for sure is that prayer and worship are definitely two ways to do something for God. Although our Father knows what we need before we ask Him, we should still pray. I think about how I pray for others. Does God know I am going to do that? I know that He knows what they need but does He know I am going to ask for that for them as well? 

I have recently devoted more of my life and time to God's word than I ever have in my life. I have been involved in things that shine His light; things that I never saw myself doing. I'm not trying to toot my own horn here, but I am trying to understand and answer the question "what am I doing for God." I think that if we ask ourselves this question on a regular basis, maybe even daily, we will begin to create a stronger relationship with Him. He does deserve our hearts; especially with all that we ask of Him! I suppose I will continue to find the answer to this question throughout my life. I will make it a goal of mine and a goal for my family to always ask what am I doing for God? I owe Him my life for giving His son for my freedom from sin. 

Just a small idea of all that I think about when rocking my baby girl to sleep. :) 

Saturday, February 1, 2014

Mad at the baby?

Rodney and I dread the topic when it comes up but it's something that we must figure out, and soon! Lilly's sleep habits.

She started out creating her own schedule when she was one to two months old. Once I went back to work (she was six weeks), her routine really developed as my mom and mother-in-law watched her each day. She never really slept a ton, as her parents are both very social, and she was just always wanting to know what was next! Around two months, I was so exhausted from getting up with her at night and being back to work, I decided to just have her sleep with us. We read up on it and everyone ended up getting more sleep. 

Once we started looking at houses in Tennessee and traveling back and forth she was about four months old. We stayed in hotels where Lilly slept in the bed with us and it seemed like she was doing well with sleep. The car ride was an issue because she had become a tummy sleeper (butt up in the air actually) and so the sleep problems began. She naps really well now (although once we got moved she only slept for thirty minutes each nap). She now naps twice a day for well over an hour. FINALLY! However, every night after bath time and her bedtime routine, she goes down around 7:30pm and is up an hour or so later. Last night as a matter of fact, she was up at 8:30, 9:30 and then 10:30. She also got up somewhere in between midnight and three I believe but I was just too tired to go in. I have thought of and tried everything!! I think I may have created a monster :p 

All of this to say, as soon as Rodney and I try something new to help wean her from us coming in so much at night, we have failed. When I laid her down for her first nap this morning (the nap that she's quickest and easiest to fall asleep) she jolted up from where she was lying and started crying. I hadn't even left the room yet! I hid by the door for several more seconds and then walked out. As we dread doing, Rodney and I discussed what the issue might be. We told ourselves (and were reminded of the book I'd read and obsessed over for a bit on sleep) that her nap time was the best time for her to learn to fall asleep by herself. So she cried, and she cried. She cried some more. Twenty minutes had gone by and Rodney finally went in. She had pooped. So after feeling like we were "training" her, we were actually torturing her by letting her cry out for twenty minutes while her tushy burned.  

You'd think by twelve months we would get things a little bit better. You'd think we would have thought of that, mostly you'd think her MOMMA would have thought of it! So I proceeded to beat myself up about it, feeling terrible. I rocked her back to sleep and she went out pretty quickly. I admired her sweet face as she slept in my arms. Her long eyelashes, her cute pout, those sweet, soft, chubby cheeks. I was so frustrated that she wasn't sleeping before I'd gone into her. I was so frustrated that she just couldn't get herself back to sleep; just relax, wind down. I was mad. And then to go in and realize that she needed something made me even more mad-at myself! As soon as I try to help or teach her something, something that I always think could be wrong (and why I always end up going in to her at night) actually occurs! Fail. When I think I've got the hang of something.....

So of course I pray about it. I pray that God will help me stay calm, practice patience. I pray that God will help Rodney and I work together and not against each other in those frustrating moments. I also pray that God will forgive me and will help me hold onto the fact that Lilly is a precious gift from above. One of my biggest struggles as a person is to not get lost in the heat of the moment. It's difficult not to act out of anger or frustration but it is so important to try to do so. Especially when your children are watching. 

Blessed are the merciful for they will be shown mercy. Matthew 5:7

Blessed are the peacemakers for they will be called children of God. Matthew 5:9